It is as if Gurudev and Ramakrishna are stirring a Divine Soup and I want part of it. There isn't anything that I won't do to get a bowl of that Soup. The last offering of untethering from the material world has set something in motion. Which came first, the untethering and then the longing for Soup or the other way around? Doesn't matter, just a path and a human interpretation of the Divine's Play.
The need to be a part of the human herd has really been a block. The next step in renunciation has created a question, "Can I have Soup without attaching myself to humans?" I have offered to be in service to them, but they are still so quirky, (me included.) And I have even offered to give up my attachment to animals and nature at a new level if I can have Soup.
As I looked at my cup of tea, bowl of fruit, Gurudev, and a white person, I saw the utter futility. There is nothing to ease the longing from inside except the Soup--to taste and know the Divine Soup at the deepest level. Pure surrender is all I have to offer.
While reading the Ramakrishna book, it has a section that said one doesn't need to spend a lifetime at the Guru's feet to find immersion in the Divine and that sometimes the ones who don't live at the Guru's feet find the straightest path. This information created an opening for the desire to flood through. I am the new kid on the block, but now that doesn't have to be a limit. Maybe everyone starts with this intense, gnawing desire, but something shifts and takes them away from getting a bowl of Soup. With limited reasoning abilities, I don't see anything else to do but to "Go for It!"
Sigh, too massive obstacles (beliefs) cleared out of the way.
Street Ways: Mending fences: 1) bought coconut water from one of the boys who was very rude and I had ignored for 3 weeks--he was very kind and cheerful, 2) one of the men (with a big stomach) who I pass on the way to the gym asked for fitness tips for slimming his midsection, and 3) a woman who wants to join the gym stared at me for 20 minutes, but that was almost unnoticeable compared to the men.