An electronic diary sharing my spiritual path through observations/experiences, photos, videos, articles and more. It started with intensity at the end of January 2011 when I decided to go to South Africa and see the truth of animals living in the wild. Unsatisfied with the answers, I went to India looking for the truth of humans in an ancient civilization. Packing up my life as a dressage trainer in Southern California, I moved to Jaipur, India to follow a spiritual inquiry.
The next step--building the community garden for Selfseeds--a sign up on the website for emails. It feels like a remarkable opportunity to share the positive aspects of inhabiting the planet. The sharing on the WH blog has been the inner journey of what lies inside my personal selfseed.
Thank you for signing up for the regular contact to Selfseeds. As Heather and I (mostly Heather) are working through the bugs of launching the new site, thank you for letting us know what works and what doesn't! I am marveling at the technological world and how inviting it is even for someone only dealing with four legs and hair for a living. 2011 was the beginning of using a camera, creating iMovies, and sharing with a blog. As I begin this next level of commitment to Selfseeds, I have deep gratitude for a platform to share beauty, truth, and inspiration. I can have a twisted sense of humor and an intense point of focus/observation, so it will be fun to share both through this modern marvel of technology.
Give a shout out and let us know what we can improve or what you would like to see as a point to consider in the seed planting--it is a community garden!!
Hitting the big leagues to type in Selfseeds and actually get the website. Today is the launch of the new virual site, so take a look and let me know your thoughts. (I love the old flexibility video, because it has Persephone casually walking in the background.) Heather has done such an outstanding job on the site, the ease of use, the graphics, the engineering, problem solving, exercise photos, and more. THANK YOU Heather!!!
When I think of mind control, I use to think of me driving the mind to control, but at this point. I think it is the mind controlling me. The mind is remarkable, but it is like the 12 headed hydra in its attempts to direct the program. Sitting with that last massive challenge of rewiring self worth, it was clear. When I am in that place where I am only eyeballs there is peace, but when some form of the i takes action, the slippery slope begins. Fascinating to experience the two states so clearly. Having had a few moments where I experienced the deep meditative state while in my wake state, it helps me to separate the different angles of operation even though it is all one--in principle. The place of only eyeballs is all love and there are no edges and in some ways no points of separation. The mind appears to be the observer and willing to stay sitting with hands folded while the world is moving about. When I cross into the familiar wake state, the ego, personality, etc. are in full swing. The story/history emerges and starts to dominate my thinking patterns and course of action--like a puppet. Even with powerful images and vibrations appearing to console my heart and show we the deepest truth of Absolute Love and Truth, the mind can push them aside, since it has run the show for so long. At least this is my experience of the process, but I would guess there are many, many other systems.
No doubt I will periodically fall and have to get up and dust myself off or put a bandaid on a skinned knee, but for now, it is lovely to start cracking the hard protective shell of not loving my self or rather not being love.
As always, the village of horses, humans, nature, and more have supported my growth and lint removal. Thank you is never enough to say or write. Gurudev and the Ashram are the blast furnace to help ignite the potential and to help get it rolling, but being far removed from that physically really tests the progression. More of the mind creating separation, since my heart behind the eyes knows otherwise. Pranam.
It is a bit disarming to sense that your self is the only thing in the way to the Self. Does one take the self in the wheelbarrow to the surrender pile? The self is coming to life with this prospect and it is kicking up lots of old dust--lack of worthiness, pain of never being socially attractive, no love of self, and more--the deep, deep stuff where cracks start to form. I have been sitting with this and just letting it run its course. Today, I experienced a moment where the reference I have as the Divine engulfed the self and there was no separation. How could I not love my self if it is the Divine? There appears to be no more case for the self to argue, but the integration will probably take time...in the meantime, the alignment to Absolute Truth and Love was present. Thank you for the confirmation.
The timeliness of getting to know my birth parents has filled in that tear in the fabric. It no longer can be a point of separation used in my story. Thank you for the perfection.
Virtual Selfseeds is almost ready for launching, so I have been making videos, rebranding old Selfseed videos (facelift), and experiencing the effects of Selfseeds on my own life. Ideas for videos sort of just appear not unlike the voice making suggestions. My process is to have a theme and then to sit and talk about it. There is no script--only what arises. As I am getting more comfortable with being behind the camera, I have wanted the verbal alignment to feel like where I come from in the blog. The blog is some of my deepest manifestation of external communication.
While I was thinking about Selfseeds Emotions, the idea to make a video sharing my current thoughts around the adoption arose. As I turned the camera off from the taping session, the tears came and I realized this was my voice for Selfseeds. Thank you for the guidance.
The pain of the horse world led me to the mystic world and now the horse world appears to be leading me back to the earth world. As I get out of my car at the stable where my horse lives, I have that feeling I experience while at the ashram. My focus this time around has been staying in my heart with what consciousness I know while working with Jaz and others. He is my portal and guide at the moment.
The horse mentor I am interviewing asked me if I had known any really special horses in my past. While reflecting, I have known several, but Jaz has been my companion, mirror, challenge, and more during the past 9 years. He is special because of what he has endured in my evolution and continues to allow me to evolve into with his extreme awareness as a horse. While I teach and train again, I sometimes find myself taking action in an old pattern. The inner disturbance from it alerts me and I have a chance to refine or change what I would do now with the current theme. He is my living laboratory.
Even though the mystic realm feels deeper, I more fully recognize the remarkable connection the horses provided for me to a deeper resonance. I now understand that we all have different contacts to this universal fabric. Mine just happens to be horses. The voice appears and often unloads "thoughts" as I experienced sitting at Pahari Baba's shrine feet. The shakti can be a bit overwhelming at times, but I am also finding that I can now ride, talk, and operate in that state.
In the meeting point with the horse and the friend, I noticed something new in the moment. In the space for the stillness there appeared to be a point of truth without form that all of the beings with form recognized. It was a deeply felt moment and so striking that it lingered for days. Now I am noticing that point in all moments.
It is as if each moment has some point that is truth and then what happens from that point is life. The stillness doesn't have time or space, but what follows does. How far from that point the action takes place creates degrees of "scratchiness" and separation.
The new awareness appears to broaden the gap and make the point of separation more clear. Separation from what one could ask? Source? Self as Source?
It is a little crazy making. No turning back? "No," appears to be the answer. Moth to the light.. Escalator still moving...
While being with horses, there is a powerful stillness.
While sitting with a horse that is being examined for euthanasia, there is a depth of awareness that is often overlooked.
While standing in the presence of a shy horse, there is an invitation to go beneath any disturbance or distraction.
While reflecting on what the horses continue to teach me, there is gratitude for their mystery, energy, and sensitivity.
The depth of meditation showed up while I was greeting a human wary horse. The owner was putting me to task to "greet" her horse. My response was to do nothing, but to go to the new depths I had been made aware of in meditation. The horse offered to approach and even stepped up on a ledge to touch me. Interesting that when the owner looked at the horse in surprise, 'Molly' spooked and moved back. It was a profound moment for all three of us. I had recently experienced that depth while talking about the Divine and now to experience it while talking about stillness with the horses. The uncontrollable tears were present. Now, I more fully understand the preparation the horses provided me for knowing myself as an individuated spark of Source.
Recently, I conceded to walk back into the horse world if that was what appeared as a next step. It is another spiral on the staircase and useful to observe my new awareness in the old pattern.
In the meantime, I continue to study more material for being a personal fitness instructor, prepare Selfseeds for a virtual launch, transcribe notes from a mentor's shared wisdom, and help a few friends with their horses. October/November, I will be going to Australia and New Zealand. December, I plan to return to India for another stretch of time.