Gnawing intensity. It becomes something so personal and deep within that it has more life than one's own flesh and bones--the spiritual path. Slowly, slowly it ignites, but when does the scale tip? I can already feel that returning to the West will not soothe this inner fire. India proper doesn't either. Only the abstraction of this new reality begins to provide unidentifiable answers. Having a day to reflect has highlighted how significant this process has become. Looking at the criteria for a psychopath, I would qualify. There is a small (very), small group of humans that I can check with to see if I am going mad. "Nope." To many, it would appear that I am trying to lose touch with reality. Yes, that has been one of the challenges and to accept it as the truth. No Koolaide, no hypnosis, no buying into a scheme, no cult pressure just an unfoldment.
Is this any different than the apparent pointed-focus for the past two plus years? Yes. After intensive sitting with Gurudev, asking questions, reading, talking to other serious seekers/see-ers, meditating, eat/sleep/breathing this path, it all makes sense. Will it in 5-10-50 years, I have no idea, but for now the spiritual spreadsheet makes sense. I have been living the other system for 48 years and there are question marks in that plan. Still pouring from both buckets into the one. The empirical world is not going away soon and the transcendental world is flooding in like a tsunami. The more I learn the more I see that one is not at the exclusion of the other until it is.
Just finished another Ramakrishna book that was a collection of his disciples stories, memories, etc. It is amazing and a privilege to be experiencing a real-time version of the past with Gurudev (this path has been available for a VERY long time), looking forward to pranaming and sitting in the Kali Temple at Dakshineswar, visiting Mother Theresa's Mission, wandering the grounds of Ramana Maharshi's Ashram, and touching into the Sri Aurobindo Ashram. Magic carpet get ready.