Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Exciting, the SELFSEEDS website has been untethered to head out into the cyber ethers.  Heather (web and graphics designer) and Mary (consultant and cheerleader) have helped me to manifest a program for humans to inspire and improve their lives through 5 minute wellness practices.

Definition of SELFSEEDS:  Seeds of self essence to germinate, nurture, and embrace for creating wholeness and well being as a human.  It is a system of Self Gardening for growing your personal wellness garden. Selfseeds are planted and encouraged to develop through a program of 5 minute practices designed to improve your life.

Take a look!!!!  It would be wonderful to know what you think.  It is a system offered from my heart with the hope of helping others find a way to be "self" inspired.


The soul of the morning shared with animal friends

Here lies my altar: nature and animals.  What a beautiful morning. Jaz and Persephone in their new home and with their new pasture mate, Shiloh (the 30 yr. old babysitter.)

Friday, June 24, 2011


I have always felt the spiritual path is like getting your shoe lace caught in the escalator--you are moving forward, but not always sure why, how, or in what way.

He who with sincerity seeks his real purpose in life is himself sought by that purpose.
                        Bowl of Saki, June 24, by Hazrat Inayat Khan
Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:
One may ask, 'What is the best way for a person to understand his life's purpose?' If one follows the bent of one's own mind, if one follows the track to which one is attracted, if one follows one's own inclination, which is not satisfied with anything else, one feels, 'There is something waiting for me (which one does not know at the time), which will bring me satisfaction.' Besides, if one is intuitive and mystical, it is easier still, because then one is continually told what is the purpose of one's life. For nature has such a perfection of wisdom. One sees that the insects are given the sense to make their little houses and to protect themselves and make a store of their food. The bees, who have the gift of making honey, are taught how to make honey. So nature has taught every soul to seek its purpose. It has made every soul for that purpose, and it is continually calling that soul to see that purpose. If the soul does not hear the call and sleeps, it is not the fault of nature, which is continually calling. Therefore, if I were to say in a few words, how to find one's purpose, I would say: by waking from sleep.

Every being has a definite vocation, and his vocation is the light which illuminates his life. The man who disregards his vocation is a lamp unlit. He who sincerely seeks his real purpose in life is himself sought by that purpose. As he concentrates on that search a light begins to clear his confusion, call it revelation, call it inspiration, call it what you will. It is mistrust that misleads. Sincerity leads straight to the goal.

That way is best which suits you best. The way of one person is not for another person, although man is always inclined to accuse another person of doing wrong, believing that he himself is doing right. ... That purpose is accomplished when a person has risen above all these things. It is that person then, who will tolerate all, who will understand all, who will assimilate all things, who will not feel disturbed by things which are not in accordance with his own nature or the way which is not his way. He will not look at them with contempt, but he will see that in the depth of every being there is a divine spark which is trying to raise its flame toward the purpose.

When a person has arrived at this stage, he has risen above the limitations of the world. Then he has become entitled to experience the joy of coming near to the real purpose of life. It is then that in everything that he says or does, he will be accomplishing that purpose. ... We come to understand by this that the further we go the more tolerant we become. Outward things matter little. It is the inward realization which counts. However sacred duty may be, however high may be the hope of paradise, however great the happiness one may experience in the pleasures of the earth, however much satisfaction one may find in earthly treasures, the purpose of life is in rising above all these things. It is then that the soul will have no discord, no disagreement with others. It is then that the natural attitude of the soul will become tolerant and forgiving. The purpose of life is fulfilled in rising to the greatest heights and in diving to the deepest depths of life: in widening one's horizon, in penetrating life in all its spheres, in losing oneself, and in finding oneself in the end. In the accomplishment of the purpose of life the purpose of creation is fulfilled. Therefore, in this fulfillment it is not that man attained, but that God Himself has fulfilled His purpose.

   ~~~ He who with sincerity seeks his real purpose in life is himself sought by that purpose.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The truth in motion

The opportunity to dismantle my life out of choice is turning out to be quite remarkable for my inward journey.  It feels like returning to a purity and wonderment from childhood, but with a dash of wisdom from living and learning from the process of life.  Observing the effects of the 'letting go' in a concrete way with dancing and riding.  Twenty years of dancing and 40 years of riding the vessel (my body) has acquired a form.  The physicality of the form requires fitness, coordination, and attention to detail, but the new state of hollowness is allowing me to move through places of disconnect with a new level of softness and acceptance of myself/what is. When I add power in the dancing, it comes from within my own structure, but it doesn't radiate outwardly towards my partner.  He only feels someone who is more responsive and "leadable." The power doesn't feel aggressive because it is coupled with openness.  It isn't mine (ego out), but an offering of enhancing the artistic expression of the form.  I also felt this in the horse who was just sold.  He had power and expression, but the balance allowed there to be freedom and relaxation. The freedom doesn't mean collapsing, because this creates a disconnect and a distraction from the fluidity.  I started to find this in the form of meditation too.  At the end of my six week stay, I began to feel how important the straightness of the spine and support of my structure became in the ability to let go without distraction by the body.  In some ways, the sitting still with this engaged softness is the most difficult and honest:  you are or you are not.

It is a remarkable gift to experience this level of balance, alignment, and freedom in the form.  It could easily become an obsession and attachment no different than any of the others that we take on as humans (smoking, drinking, gambling, eating.... in excess.)  Without going through the process of physically dismantling my life, I am not sure I would have found this new inner, childlike freedom.  We are going to move forward with expressing this form in a dance competition.  It will be another challenge to let go while in a ball gown, high heels, and people watching.   When "i" start to think, it takes me out of the form and the flow.  We are dancing without choreography, so it requires that "i" stay in the present, letting go of the past and remaining receptive and fully present to what is.  No separation from the truth of the moment.  

Sunday, June 19, 2011

One Way Ticket

So excited!! Just booked July 27th as my one way ticket to India.  Sent in my request for a visa to India a few days ago, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it all continues to line up as well as it has been.  This gives me time to visit friends/family in Northern California and Washington--and fit in a last dance competition in Palm Springs.  Jaz and Persephone will be heading to their new world in the next week or two.  Found a great horse for Jane to ride, Herbie, and keep her other horse company while the new horse trainer is building her business. Fitting in all of the last minute health and dental check-ups (no cavities!!!)  Organized a storage unit for the stuff I am keeping.  Figured out very reasonable health insurance while I am abroad.  One year is almost the cost of two months here, but I guess that is in alignment with everything else too.  Both new websites will be launched before I leave.  Amazing grace!!

Including plans to hike while in Washington.  Looking forward to soaking in the remarkable beauty of Northern California and Washington.  Nature is my purist ashram.  Just like I wish I could share my inner feelings from the Pahari Baba Ashram/Gurudev with my friends in the US,  I would love to share my inner feelings from the Redwood trees/mountain ranges with my friends in Jaipur.  I will take pictures.

I moved my small collection of Divine Beings, the lovely children's book, "The Journey of the Soul"(that I got from Gurudev), and Narayana's "The Gems" to my desk, since I spend a lot of time at the computer.  Starting to get super excited about returning to India. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Well this pretty well sums up why I am going to India...

Our thoughts have prepared for us the happiness or unhappiness we experience.
                        Bowl of Saki, June 14, by Hazrat Inayat Khan
Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:
All our possessions, all that we collect in life, all these things which we shall have to leave one day are transitory; but that which we have created in our thought, in our mind, that lives. A person thinks, 'Some day I should like to build a factory.' At this time he has no money, no knowledge, no capability; but a thought came, 'Some day I should like to build a factory.' Then he thinks of something else. Perhaps years pass, but that thought has been working constantly through a thousand minds, and a thousand sources prepare for him that which he once desired. If we could look back to all we have thought of at different times, we would find that the line of fate or destiny, Kismet as it is called in the East, is formed by our thought. Thoughts have prepared for us that happiness or unhappiness which we experience. The whole of mysticism is founded on this.

Every good or bad word or deed is reproduced before us, though it seems as in a dream. If we watched life keenly, we should see how true this is. Joy, sorrow, love, all depend on our thought, on the activity of our mind. If we are depressed, if we are in despair, it is still the work of our mind; our mind has prepared that for us. If we are joyful and happy, and all things are pleasant, that also has been prepared for us by our mind. It is only when our mind works without control that unhappiness, sorrow, trouble, pain, or whatever we experience comes without our intention. No one could wish to create hell for himself; all would create heaven for themselves if they could; and yet how many allow their minds to create these things for them, regardless of their own intention.

The control of the activity of mind is called concentration in the language of the mystics. The meaning of this word is often not rightly understood. People are apt to think that concentration means only closing the eyes. But one may close one's eyes for hours, and still the thoughts keep coming like a moving picture. People are never at rest, never at peace; anxiety and sorrow do not disappear just because they close their eyes. It is concentration that does that. Concentration is activity of mind in the direction desired; our desire dictates in which way the mind is to be active; the mind acts according to our wishes.

In point of fact, whatever one makes of oneself, one becomes that. The source of happiness or unhappiness is all in man, himself. When he is unaware of this, he is not able to arrange his life. As he becomes more acquainted with this secret, he gains mastery. The process by which this mastery is attained is the only fulfillment of the purpose of this life.

   ~~~ Our thoughts have prepared for us the happiness or unhappiness we experience.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Learning how to edit videos

Just bear with me.  I learned how to create mini videos today.  Looking to the future for creating sale horse videos and videos for the blog while I am living in India.  I have always had someone do this for me, but now I have the freedom to do it myself.  Technology is so cool!!

The dismantling of my life in California feels like plastic surgery for a mummy.  As I find homes for items and store others, it feels like peeling layers away but the inside is an unknown.  Exciting for sure. With the items on the departure list getting checked off, I feel the level of shakti rising in my center.  Now whenever I am not distracted by life, my inner energy level takes on the feel of sitting in the ashram.  It is always with me.  Sometimes I have the feeling of "don't operate large equipment" while in this state.

Karn has been keeping me updated on events in India.  Oh my--118 degrees (48C) yesterday!  I have lived in weather that reached 110, but this is a new level.  Looking forward to all of it.  There seems to be some interest in me teaching or training horses while in India which I didn't expect.  I thought that I was stepping away from that aspect of my life, but the universe may have another plan...

Roalty and Ultimo June 13 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Return to India

Ultimo got a lovely home where he will loved and cared for by a wonderful new owner. Finding a home for the horse was one of my biggest obstacles for returning to India, so now that is off the list, I will start to finalize all of the other details for returning to India. There are still plenty of things on the list, but I am hoping mid-July will be the time frame. I am very excited! Jai Guru!!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Inviting stillness

How lovely to have to an hour and a half to kill sitting in a beautiful garden, light breeze, sunshine, a live classical pianist playing, and no immediate responsibilities--just waiting for the concert guests to emerge so we can start serving appetizers. As I sat and closed my eyes, I was transported back to the inviting stillness of the ashram--no urgency or pressing agenda. Only peace to deepen into.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Dancing with horses

Does anyone in India know about this? I might like to find a way to ride and train horses while in India?

Friday, June 3, 2011


I saw elephants doing remarkable things in India, but not water skiing... Maybe that could be added as an attraction: a water skiing elephant around the floating palace.

Queenie, water-skiing elephant, dies at Ga. park

VALDOSTA, Ga. (AP) — Queenie, an Asian elephant who gained fame by water skiing decades ago, died this week at the Georgia theme park where she had retired.

The 59-year-old elephant was euthanized Monday at the Wild Adventures theme park in Valdosta, Ga., park general manager Bob Montgomery said. The animal had suffered from declining quality of life and chronic health issues, The Valdosta Daily Times reported.

Liz Dane, who worked with Queenie for years, told The Associated Press on Thursday night that the elephant was a natural performer. Archival footage shows the younger elephant balancing on two attached giant skis with Dane alongside it as a motorboat pulled them through the water.

"She would stand on the skis at the edge of the water, and then once she got used to that they just slowly started towing the skis out and she just loved it," said Dane, who lives in Concord, N.H. "She would put her trunk in the water and get a big scoop of water and spray it all over the place!"

"I doubt very seriously that you'll ever see another elephant water ski," Dane said.

Queenie was born in Thailand in 1952 and imported to the U.S. as a baby. In the fall of 1953, during a visit to a New York City pet store, the 9-year-old Dane told her father she wanted the animal as a pet, she wrote in a historical account of their relationship.

So they loaded the 250-pound elephant into their 1953 Mercury — with the back seat removed — for the drive home to New Hampshire, she wrote.

Queenie also played the harmonica, and performed at state and county fairs, Republican rallies, military bases and circuses around the country.

Dane said it was a Florida couple, Marj and Jim Rusing, who taught Queenie to water ski, which she did during the 1950s and 1960s. Dane said the Rusings had trained other elephants to ski, but Queenie at the time was the world's only water-skiing elephant.

Queenie retired to the south Georgia theme park in 2003. Dane said the handlers there took excellent care of her.

"I had been bracing myself for the day I would get the call that she had passed," Dane said. "I've had a lot of ups and downs since then, and I've been hearing from so many people reminding me of how many memories they had of Queenie."

Thursday, June 2, 2011


" If uncertainty is unacceptable to you, it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness, and creativity."

I have looked at this quote daily for over a year now. I am not sure who said this. If anyone knows, please pass on the information. From the enneagram point of view, I appear to be a 5 which is part of the fear based section. I often feel that fear has been one of the last and largest stones that I carry around unnecessarily. Currently examining the line between healthy skepticism and fear. Can I find a substitute for fear--something lighter and more flexible? The concept of faith is showing up, but what is that? In the English language we often use the two words together: blind faith. Is there a seeing faith? Or a knowing faith? Doesn't faith live in the unknown category: "acceptance of uncertainty."

The return to India is a start for living in this uncertainty. I will know where I am living and the physical aspects of where I will go to meditate (training wheels for the uncertainty?), but beyond that, all of it is an unknown. No idea how long that I will stay, where it all leads, where I go afterwards, or what I will do, but I am starting to find this exhilarating. What a remarkable opportunity to be free of knowing. As I examine my daily life, it is with a smile that I think I don't live in the unknown now. I start each day with a plan and then see how long I stay on track with the plan. Sometimes it is minutes. Other times it might be hours or.... As westerners, we are trained to always get "our ducks" in a row--life is about creating order out of chaos. It is often what drives us and leads to our remarkable intensity and work ethic in this culture. Not all bad, but it can be crazy making to try and create the allusive "perfect lifestyle."

No answers, just showing up.

( I added a few pictures to the satsang in Temecula post if anyone wants to see the view from the top of the hill--some similarities to the temple views, but some differences too...)