Saturday, October 31, 2015

Go Observe Destination

The beauty of abstraction
I googled God. Wow, lot’s of options. I better understand the “no answer” and to examine the discussion of God through concepts. Gurudev did offer a definition to me regarding God:  Go Observe Destination. Bonus fact check!

Earlier in the morning while walking, I had decided not to change what I am already doing, since there was no new, clear path to take. I was going to continue with the approach I have been using of listening interiorly, observing the information, and keeping my heart open for making changes and taking action.

Sitting for a day with the new definition feels like the barn doors just opened again. I was using the practice today and enjoying the shift in my life approach! The beauty of a true Master is in his teaching for each of us as individuals, so we can grow in the way we need to.

Shades of Grey
Only a walker would get excited about new lines on the road defining space!

Thursday, October 29, 2015


Heavy rain meant clean, clean air. Wonderful morning run with such breathable air. Found out my water heater still works, so as the temperature changes, warm bucket bath option—fist pump. Also discovered what time the clean water comes, so clean water for the bath too. I am not sure if white skin is as resilient to the native water. I usually have to fend off a skin rash with pills after a month, so maybe the clean water will help. Struck by a car while walking, at least it was only the side mirror from behind, so it folded up. Salad has been added to the already nutritious, safe, tasty food for the ashram lunch.

Fitness reboot is going well. Walking 3 plus hours on alternating days. Other day, run, kickboxing video, core strengthening, and weights. Just walking and running was not enough to keep me in shape for riding, so valuable lesson in Hungary.

Beginning to understand how this “very strange path" is actually the way out of the insanity plan. I have looked at self-Koolaid, but that is the ego at work. My ego is losing to the spiritual lotto my soul feels like it has won. The question of worthiness is shifting to just accepting the beauty of what is. I cannot see the bigger picture, so just trust and walk with gratitude.

Cultural gaps have limited my understanding of Source and the path from the eastern view point. I have since realized the information is available through reading, but meeting and experiencing a truly awakened human is very powerful.

Nice full circle to there are no answers for what is God--says the wiseman in the orange robe. Only a wiseman would not have an answer. We discussed concepts. Fun! How he remembers the rolodex of concepts we have discussed during the past four years is amazing too. I must have a list with check marks attached to my plasma sack. Thank you Universe for providing a Ramakrishna in modern times... I could die today and say thank you for my life! Jai Guru!

Nador made it to California. If no temperature, he will be released from quarantine on Thursday morning to head to his temporary home for two months. Must be bizarre for a horse to fly on an airplane.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Peacock Feather

After the discussion about the perfect human, I was trying to examine what would it be like to have one’s thoughts on the Divine for an extended period of time outside of meditation. How would that mix with daily life? Without planning it, I had a small trial run. For Gurudev’s 72nd birthday, I wanted to find a peacock feather while out walking. I spent an hour looking and while looking for the feather, Gurudev, Pahari Baba, Ramakrishna, and Absolute Love were looping as a continuous thought, but without effort. My walk had a destination, so I carefully placed the feather in a tree while continuing my walk. My thoughts continued to loop on the four for another hour until I returned to the hidden feather. The final hour walking home was with the feather, trying not to crush it in any way, but the looping continued. What I learned was that the looping muted the usual disturbances of honking cars, drivers cutting close, men making sounds, and so on that are part of the atmosphere for a white woman walking. A functional sense of my inner state from meditation was present, but not as disorienting. Instead it provided a different baseline of operation. It feels like this begins a new awareness in my day-to-day practice.

It is as if the spiritual comas are changing the density of my inner state, so it feels possible to live with the concept of Absolute Love/Divine as a felt sense while taking action in the outer world. It is also simplifying and clarifying the focus of my path. The felt sense helps to keep me tethered with less and less willingness to fall into the ego’s game of distraction. The concern about madness has been replaced by the grace of the new inner blend. How could one not want to live with an inner state of Absolute Love? Maybe the truth is beginning to replace the story?

A perfect human

Monday, October 26, 2015

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Perfect Human

My questions about orientation to time measurement, spiritual interpreters from the past, modernization of the spiritual path, and role of self in all of it were fact checked. My favorite part is when Gurudev adds to my fact check. I was examining if my true purpose is to try and know my self fully as Source. Our design is to move towards being a perfect human, but what is that? And is it possible? Who is judging? The human group below or the Divine side above? Nice questions Gurudev! After sitting with this for a while, I asked if Ramakrishna was an example of a perfect human. From the human viewpoint no and it is probably impossible to be perfect from the human viewpoint. From the Divine’s viewpoint, probably because the construction of thoughts and where the mind lives is the biggest qualifier. His thoughts were almost unwavering on the Divine.

Spiritual Seeker 101 question was prompted by spiritual reading where most write about seeking Self. Gurudev’s current thinking helped to clarify the levels of purity and the path to Absolute Love. I know there is a big gap between where I sit and the now clarified end point, but I see my life devoted to trying to walk in that direction. I have often felt a state of what my ego is considering to be madness in this pursuit, but I am starting to see this is another point to overcome. Culturally, American materialism doesn’t really support this devotional path, but I am getting use to turning left while most are turning right. I was raised in the right turn, it brought me to Gurudev, so I am finding new answers in the left turn. The path continues to narrow, obstacles continue to show up, but the state of inner joy is irrefutable. Gurudev used the picture I brought him to discuss the opening in this moment of what I observed in the outer world and felt as insight into the perfect human’s state. Nice fact check. I brought him this picture, because it resonated such a deep sense of expansive beauty when I took it. I see how musicians, poets, writers, photographers, and more are trying to express this felt sense, but expression will always be limited.

Part of the obstacle course to Absolute Love is working with all of the challenges of the outer world. The outer world is Absolute Love too, but the mind’s perception is what causes separation.

It feels like in three days I have covered more spiritual ground then the past six months. The Gurudev factor is so amazing! It is always interesting to see if my mind and body can keep pace with what is offered for transformation. Ashram food for nutrition is highly valued. As the path narrows, the cracks into the expansiveness become larger. Staying true to one’s own path is a challenge too. People are frequently asking me about my practice of Kriya or breathing or meditation or… and but my path appears to be nature, animals, and Gurudev. It is like looking at a mountain top above the cloud layer, being aware of a destination, having the best guide on the planet available for support, but no idea what the actual journey is going to look like.

Nador begins his journey to America. I wish I could have gone with him, but I will just have to try and support him energetically instead. He ended up having a friend in the trailer and has made it to Germany. Next stop the airport in Amsterdam.

Waking Up In The Morning

Is it a dream? Religious rock-and-roll music blaring at concert level outside my window and elephants walking to work. Wait a minute—it is India. In Hungary, I would wake to the sound of oats being stirred in the feed buckets for the horses, so what a contrast.

Walking, exercising in the room, and a search for the internet—right back in the groove. If I didn’t have a few pending responsibilities, I feel no loss for the phone, car, or internet. Beautiful day sitting with the shift from yesterday. 


Why not start out deep by stepping into the ashram during the intense Durga celebration and falling into multiple hours of energetic shape shifting. I would have to say if I hadn’t had all of the other experiences, I am not sure what would have happened today. I wonder if each person has a style or systemization of energetic shifting? For me, I sit down, edges of separation between my body and the outer world start to disappear, sometimes I lose connection to the outer world or sometimes it is a part of the background, varying energetic experiences transpire, some sort of spiritual coma overtakes me leaving me unable to move, but aware of the outer world, time passes and the desire not to leave this state of intensity lingers. At some point, I take a deep breath as if I had stopped breathing and I was coming up for air, and then slowly, I begin to consciously breath and my body returns to a state that I can walk, talk, and move carefully.

I have been examining Oneness with all of humanity on my walks, but it was a concept and heartfelt more then a state of personal experience. It appears clear that each of us is made of the same spiritual fabric, but with different designs, yet I hadn’t felt the herd of humans in Oneness. I am amused by these self imposed homework questions, but I have learned to just go with it all as some sort of stepping stones. Of course, I never know if I will get to know the answer and if so, how it will manifest. Something in that experience today allowed me to feel everyone in the room as one state of a larger oneness, but I was aware of the shells or human containers. Science fiction or spirituality? All I can say is that it was stunning and annihilated any sense that we aren’t a shared Oneness. There is a part where thought functions on some level, so I was curious how and if I could stay in this collective oneness and function as an individual. The dismantling of the ego structure always leaves me a bit disoriented and capable to function slowly, but this is what is so remarkable about my time in the ashram. I have the time, space, and support to experience these new states of awareness and not have to be an air traffic controller or disband a riot or…

Another aspect of these remarkable experiences is that the answer to my original question was pulverized and superseded at a level that makes me aware of the bigness of it all and the smallness of myself. I liken it to some sort of sanding experience with the sandpaper removing the limiting ideas and smoothing away the sharp edges of separation from the truth.

How wonderful to see Gurudev and look into his eyes after this experience. Grace in the teachings and with such remarkable guidance. There was a twinge of fear in the unknown of such unfamiliar energetic experiences, but not from a lack of trust. Interesting to witness the shift in the trust of letting go. So many perceived layers and points of digestion of the history.  I could fly home today and feel satisfied as a seeker at a very deep interior level. The bridge between spiritual coma and outer functioning is getting shorter.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Horse School 101

What happens in the field while humans aren't often looking (Zsolt Venczel Equine Photography)
Collecting some nice photos for the second book and this was one I got to see and have a laugh about. How precious animals are. What a privilege to act as an interpreter and liaison.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

River Crossing

Waiting for the car ferry to cross the river.
Interesting to have brought a book along about Nineteenth Century horse training and the author, Baucher, was looking at the same issues of humane training, examination of the human component from a humanist perspective, and the voice of the horse. The circle of life and history. I was also examining different calendar systems: yugas, ages, years, and so on. All appear historically to be an overlapping flow with different clothing, habits, land masses, leaders, etc. Fun to examine the path of the ancient mystics vs. the modern mystics.

What really is next? Honestly, my only interest is to fly closer to the flame. The irony that outwardly, most would not see or understand this part of my journey. The blog has been my unveiling of self and sharing of the falling down and standing up.

Itinerary developing for Nador to fly to Los Angeles on the 27th of October. Direct flight from Amsterdam to LAX with a three day quarantine. Lots of paperwork, blood exams etc. for a horse to move overseas. The rain is almost daily, so my riding time is finished, but we stopped at a good point. I hope he travels safely and without reverting to his wild nature. Wish I could be his personal attendant, but there are professionals in place.

Tentatively, one more sale horse to look at. Lovely to spend time with a horse enthusiasts who has shared 30 years of the journey with me internationally. The walks have been delightful and fun to experience the colors of autumn. The mouse situation is challenging at times, with one running across my face this morning. I have learned that they use electrical cords as ladders, so challenging to try and restrict their movement. I think I am living in their house!

Our turn.
The river.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

English As A Second Language

It is always refreshing to teach where English is a second language. It encourages me to slow down, pick words carefully, and study the interpretation of the recipient more completely. I feel the recipient is also acutely listening for clues and points of understanding. For horses, humans are a second language, so I see the gap and the bridge.

Where has the time gone that now I am old enough to help professionals half my age. Teaching and riding are almost interchangeable in my enjoyment of both. Although, I am really having fun riding my horse!
One of the four ranch dogs
Winter is approaching
Nador: Comfortable wearing two humans. Moving forward with willingness. Starting lateral seat aids to later help with straightness. Very intelligent and quick to learn. Have to remember how untrained he actually is. Still notices many details of the human astride--hat change etc. He appears to like the human voice and contact. Enjoying working with him twice a day. 

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Wearing A Human

Arriving in his temporary place before flying to America. Thank you for the 3 photos Andrea!
My what a gift it is to have a horse again and such an intelligent, sensitive one. He is like taming a wild animal that doesn't know how to trust, but wants to. As a witness and facilitator to this process of creating trust without force from an animal that is naturally hard-wired to run is amazing. I have enlisted help, since his fear is so great and I don't want to take a risk of landing in a Hungarian hospital. The perfect young man is the rider while I manage the ground trust. He knows me from the ground, so it was a good decision. I have explained to Nador that his evolutionary pattern appears to be as a riding horse this lifetime. For a horse that has been in a herd, relatively untouched for six years, this is a bizarre transition. He is starting to get the hang of it at the walk and now to add the other gaits. His attention to detail and speed of learning has challenged me to be present at a level that many horses don't require.

Simple things like immediately walking over to greet me when I go to catch him, putting his head on my chest, and enjoying my hands on him are steps in the acceptance of humans. As I reflect, we are not so different. It has been different for me to be the one on the ground, but the beauty of watching his eyes changes from fear/confusion to acceptance/relief is a wonderful reminder of the eyes as an opening to the truth of the inner state. This is the third horse recently I have found myself in this position of being the grounds person with a young horse and a capable, developing professional. It is a turn of events, but I am enjoying this new role. Passing on the teaching. Students and horses in each country are fundamentally the same.

Human words are helpful, but not the most important part of the communication in the teaching. My job is the sensing of the horse and the rider. The rider's job is the sensing of the horse and trusting me. The horse's part is trusting and sensing us both. What a privilege to be a part of this triangle. The rawness of Nador is a deeper opening for me. The inner elevator must go deeper into the heart and inner stillness, so my vibration doesn't create fear. The tone and use of my voice is a critical point of soothing and calming him while he learns about contact.

He is starting to get the hang of "wearing" a human on his back with a saddle. It is a significant milestone for a horse. I am doing what I can to foster his development and trust before I go to India and he flies to America. It will be traumatic for him to make the journey without a horse or human that is familiar when the trust is so new and fragile, but the handlers are professionals.

With the new state I am working on interiorly, I don't know if I would be quick enough or present enough to work with such an athletic, quick horse, so the Universe has placed me in a better point as a grounding rod on the end of the rope. My walks are allowing me time to examine more aspects of the global situation, have temper tantrums in some areas of the human insanity plan, and let go of any tension that wants to sit inside of me. I see now how clearly exercising has been for this release, so I can be present with the horses without the distraction of mind or body. While I have fitness and good health, I will continue to have gratitude for this combination.

At times, I am so distracted by the presence of love that I have to force taking action of standing, thinking, or reacting. I welcome the challenge as I ease into this direction of knowing there is nothing else. Every point that I examine and try to find some logical reason for disturbance or separation, it always leads me back to Oneness and Absolute Love. When does the ego stop fighting this point of Absolute Truth?

I look forward to focusing single-pointedly on this in India with a new awareness. Everything is falling into place for my horse to go to a safe house in America and get holistically treated for a crooked pelvis, the energetic/physical scarring from castration, and his fear. My most trusted person for this is going to see him in November, after his arrival, and design a program. He will have time to assimilate the adjustments before we start working on riding again.

Sensing and working with Nador's fear helps me to see and understand my own. It is clear that the root of my nature and point of being is fear. Even as a warrior by exteriorized standards, I see this place of vulnerability. With humans, I may never have found this, since they have so much scaffolding that it is easy to miss this point while in contact with one's self. Thank you once again to the horses for being my access to go deeper. A new stepping off point to let go of more. The insanity and futility of the guarded side of the ego is clear. Will I have the capacity to consciously step into this letting go and not just experience if from the depth of mediation at the level I am now aware of? The constant inner and outer work. I sense my inner "feralness", but I know that I am going to my own safe house at the feet of Gurudev to loosen the scaffolding again.