Wednesday, December 31, 2014


Bubbles at the beach
Happiness lies in thinking or doing that which one considers beautiful.
                        Bowl of Saki, December 31, by Hazrat Inayat Khan
Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:
What is really good? The answer is, there is no such thing as good or evil. There is beauty. That which is beautiful, we call good. That which is ugly compared with the beautiful, we call evil: whether it is custom, idea, thought or action. This shows that this whole phenomenon of the universe is the phenomenon of beauty. Every soul has an inclination to admire beauty, to seek for beauty, to love beauty, and to develop beauty. Even God loves beauty.

In all ages the various religions have given different standards of good and evil, calling them virtue and sin. The virtue of one nation has been the sin of another. The virtue of the latter is the sin of the former. Travel as we may through the world, or read the histories and traditions of nations as we may, we shall still find that what one calls evil, another calls good. That is why no one can succeed in making a universal standard for good and evil. The discrimination between good and evil is in man's soul. Every man can judge that for himself, because in every man is the sense of admiration of beauty. But he is not satisfied with what he does himself, he feels a discomfort, a disgust with his own efforts. There are many people who continue some weakness or some mistake, or who are intoxicated by some action which the world calls evil or which they themselves call evil, yet go on doing it. But a day comes when they also are disgusted. Then they wish for suicide. There is no more happiness for them. Happiness only lies in thinking or doing that which one considers beautiful. Such an act becomes a virtue or goodness. That goodness is beauty. 

Man is always seeking for beauty, and yet he is unaware of the treasure of beauty that is hidden in his own heart. He strives after it throughout his whole life. It is as if he was in pursuit of the horizon: the further he proceeds, the further the horizon seems to have moved away. For there are two aims: the one is real, and the other false. That which is false is momentary, transitory, and unreliable - wealth, power, fame, and position are all snatched from one hand by the other. ... Man wants something in life upon which he can rely; and this shows, whether he believes in a deity or not, that he is constantly seeking for God. He seeks for Him not knowing that he is seeking for God. Nevertheless, every soul is pursuing some reality, something to hold on to; trying to grasp something which will prove dependable, a beauty that cannot change and that one can always look upon as one's own, a beauty that one feels will last forever. And where can one find it? Within one's own heart. And it is the art of finding that beauty, of developing, improving, and spreading that beauty through life, allowing it to manifest before the inner and outer view, which one calls the art of the mystic. 

Struggling a bit with words and feeling the judgement and separation from identifying aspects of life as good/bad, dark/light etc. Nice timing with the Bowl of Saki and how to roll it all into the word beauty. A good descriptor for the fabric of Oneness--life.

Continuing to be amused and transfixed by the openings to the layers of awareness. The truck I was loading had a shipment of spices/teas that gave it the fragrance of walking through the spice markets in India. As I followed this thread, I was swiftly moved to the ashram and presence of the Divine Genealogy. The welling up of uncontrollable tears had to be stifled, since I didn't deem it appropriate to be sobbing from this perspective while loading boxes in the early morning hours. But, oh what a lovely touchstone to the ever present fabric of Oneness.

Timing is interesting as well for the convergence of grace in one's life. I have had this wound on my head for years that moves between activity and dormancy. It was recently identified and a small team of surgeons quickly assembled to remove the troubled zone. As I sat with the gratitude of being attended to by a specialist in skin cancer removal and in a facility that houses a clinic that specializes in one of the most modern treatments, the uncontrollable tears welled up again. Beauty--there is is no true darkness.


Friday, December 26, 2014

Believing In Santa Claus

I believe in this Santa Claus...
Walking, talking, breathing, and being Absolute Truth and Love.

Saturday, December 20, 2014


This is my first personal contact with this Being. I would see him daily on display at the ashram, read about him, and contemplate his life as a householder. How lovely to feel his presence while walking the householder path. 
Will I ever get over being surprised by unexpected visits from the Masters on my forehead screen? While taking an extended moment to sink into the inner world as I sat between delivering boxes at a feverish pitch, that can only be brought on by the holiday season, three of the Masters presented their ever present supportive selves. Wow! A constant reminder of just how thin the veil is. Grace.

Starting to get a feel for diffusing the story and history between two beings. Even one person letting go of the past and returning to a state of open presence is enough to help shift the script we keep wanting to latch on to. I am finding peace and joy with this journey of the two-legged.

Saturday, December 6, 2014


Working within a petri dish of one hundred and fifty people is educational beyond the individuals. Upon returning to the work place, the environment was more "ashram like" with the reduction of sexual harassment, vulgarity, and bullying. Watching those ingredients slowly but steadily re-emerge into the work container and then to experience the axe falling for a second time to remind everyone of correct behavior. There was a palpable shift without even knowing the axe had fallen. How cool to sense and witness this ebb and flow of the evolutionary plane through a closed group of humans. Wow! One reads about this potential and leaders throughout history are inspired to take action for change, but the experience of it drives it all home.

It was initiated by one person raising her hand to question the ethics and morality of an action. It was followed by action through one person in the hierarchy who has the respect, power, and wisdom to act with effectiveness. It was followed up a second time by someone in the food chain who took action from the example set by the first person of action.

Incredible teaching and I am now a firm believer of how much change one person can effect without ego and from a place of love for Absolute Truth. Pranam.

Started rereading "Great Swan". Sigh! How beautiful and inspiring. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

From The Trough To The Sandbox

     As I have moved from the watering trough to the human sandbox, I see the similar issues of unconsciousness, cruelty, poor management, and more. Five years ago, I was intently examining the pain of humans with horses and now, I am examining the pain of humans with humans. Women, children, and animals are often the more defenseless victims, but I see that we are all held hostage in our egoic states of unconsciousness. Living requires discernment, self examination, and alignment to right action. We are so mired in our stories and justification for action/reaction that there often appears no middle ground. The inward place of peace appears to be the only true contact to the middle way. This lesson plays over and over.

     As issues around sexual harassment, bullying, greed, and more continue to appear in the outer walk, where does one ultimately draw the line? Even while living with a continual inner awareness of Source, the outer world bumps, laps, pokes, and prods--the walk on the path is relentless.

     Yet another crack in my warrior nature is emerging. Walking with an inner sense of Source is one step, but walking/living in alignment with the sense of Source is yet another step. The self examination begins anew. My shoelace is not caught in the escalator now. My shoe laces are tied and I am willingly, relentlessly wanting to merge more deeply with Source as I except being human in whatever the exterior state involves. A transition from an idea and sense to a state of being. It isn't just about restricting the ego--it is much deeper. Taking every aspect of this self I know as Sue and continuing to refine, and turn every available surface to yet another stage of attunement.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

It Is Possible

Thank you Ultimo as part of the seedbed.
Over twenty years of development, but to witness the harmony between the horse and rider was well worth the journey. It is possible. The seeking led me to Europe, Africa, and India while using America as the foundational springboard. Jaz and a few other horses showed me it was possible to develop this vision of inner strength, flexibility, range of motion, integration, and fluidity. But the final test was could I teach someone to have the feel and timing to align and ride this harmonic state of the horse. Yes, it is possible. Will there be more? Or was it meant for solely integrating something in my soul's journey? Thank you Cathy and Sandoval for the opportunity to manifest at least one of the visions. Potentially, number two has appeared. Let's see what happens.

Decided to dive into the dancing once more. After peak season at the box loading job, I will train with a professional who is physically perfectly matched--size and feel. Unfinished business? Letting go at new depths into the exquisite nature of the outer world. Experiencing the outer world from this new inner awareness. Gurudev posed the potential state of "Heaven on Earth" shortly before my departure.

Examining the joy that abounds in a newish human relationship and the rekindling of relationships with family/friends. How different to experience all of this without a need or attachment, but as a point of human enjoyment and sharing of different living composites walking on the planet.

The Ecstasy Beyond Knowing
Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan
(Thank you Bhavani for this remarkable gift. It is providing more weaving material!)

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Two Legged Experiment

     Immersing myself in the two-legged world minus a four-legged shield is proving to be remarkable. As a race, we tend to want to spiral, hang on, lash out, self medicate, climb over one another, and more. It would be easy to fall down and stay down in this layer of humanity. The journey to move through this and to know one's self as Source is quite single pointed.

     Examining multiplicity, simplicity, fullness, and emptiness which all aid in feedback for piercing the layers/veils/states to equanimity/inner peace. I have still harbored some suspicion around detachment as a place of uncaring and inaction, but not tethering my self to anything has proven to be quite freeing while still caring and taking action. Walking between the scaffolded and unscaffolded state is all part of this learning curve. Balancing the wrenching desire to submerge one's self in this place behind the mind where the heart is the master and meeting the requirements of living with a body on the planet: slowly learning how it is all one and the same. Stepping out of my comfort zone and into the two-legged world has continued to support my spiritual evolution. Giggle--of course! Hands off the steering wheel 101. The necessity of duality to uncover unity. The perfection of the Design. Pranam. 

Monday, November 17, 2014


A lot has changed in 50 years...
Birthdays stimulate reflection. What is left on my bucket list? Signed up to take a tandem hang glider ride when there is enough wind. I have always wanted to jump off a cliff and fly. A lot has happened in fifty years. Remarkable grace. My only wish is to see Gurudev again--hopefully after the seasonal work intensity.

Check mark list:

Meeting and learning from Gurudev
40 plus years of horses
20 plus years of dancing
good health
world travel
friends and family around the world
meeting birth parents
reuniting with my brother
college education
place to live
bounty of healthful food

The order of the list should be a hologram. What next?  

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Safety Net

(and spiritually...)
The fear of going deeper was yet another mental construction. I wondered if there was some sort of safety net, so when I let go without needing to have confirmation, it appears to have given me the answer. The path unfolds in relationship to my design and capacity. Faith in the letting go opens the door to something new. The appropriate "answer" is always available as part of the wisdom in the fabric of Source. This feels like a safety net of sorts or what I have felt as the Divine Womb. Knowing this has allowed a new sense of freedom for both realms to continue to emerge as needed. Today is the first day the voice showed up while loading boxes, not unlike my walks in India. Fun! Spiritual growth and integration while in motion.

The place I ride from is deeper than where I experience most people. Riders talk about wanting to connect with their horse partners, but they need to work on their scratchiness to do this. Animals are so patient. Selfseeds still has many possibilities.

The first book, "Through The Eyes Of The Horse" is in the countdown stages to be submitted to a publishing house. The second book has begun in ernest.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Living With Parts Of The Scaffolding Dismantled

The past ten months have been an integration of living in the west with part of the normal western world scaffolding dismantled. I have been examining this straddling of the two realms of spirituality/materiality, but from the more spiritual view point.  The longing to go deeper has been like an erie siren from the depth of my heart, but with the voice saying, "Not yet." Gurudev said to learn to listen to the voice, but I did have a point of indulgence in the depths. It was beyond emotion, but tears were streaming; I returned, but with some sort of shift that has allowed me to grasp the next homework assignment--navigating from the dismantled side in and amongst daily life. I have been living from the context of the next homework assignment, but it was lovely to get a confirmation from a wonderful book that I am reading. It is such a foreign perspective to operate from, I was unsure. It has been gradual but steady over the past almost four years. The lovely part is that it appears to always have an opening to Source which is grace, since daily life continuously streams opportunities for inner disturbances.  Patience and presence will continue to support this new awareness.

A new walk begins... There is a continuity in the awareness of the soul's evolution to consciousness both inwardly and outwardly. The two states of being become one, not unlike the ladders of knowledge and devotion merging into Oneness. Yet another path that leads to Oneness. Separation of self and Self is even diminishing. Grace.

Sitting on a new horse has brought a clarity around the horse as a vessel of simple, pure vibration. I better understand what an important part of the weave horses have provided in supporting my state of being before what has unfolded in the presence of Gurudev and Pahari Baba.

The new state is quite simple and childlike from an inner perspective. Many of the adult concerns are diminishing, but I can still take action from a point of discernment, responsibility, and clarity. I have questioned this, since everything feels somehow inside out. Part of the adjustment moving from East to West. The two bucket system on a personal level. The evolution of the soul is making more and more sense. As I look at the children's book that Gurudev favors, I better understand why it is a favorite.

Monday, November 3, 2014


Swimming at the bow of the boat--effortlessly
Playing with the boat
Monterey Bay
Humpback Whale taking a breath
Walking on a Santa Cruz beach at sunset
Turning my will to a place of patience. Patience for myself and the unfolding of life. Calm and tranquility are textures I would associate with patience. Let go and patience appear to be relatives.

Connecting with friends and family from around the world is moving like a blur. Checklist almost completed in 8 months. Grace

Monday, October 27, 2014


Sometimes I giggle at what a simpleton I am. I was pondering why the expansive state of stillness, love, and truth as the individuated soul is so peaceful. It is beyond the mind, so there are no thoughts/disturbances and only an observer.  My mind has been waiting for an access point to emerge with some contact to this state where it is disengaged/jobless. Identifying the why with words is probably the only job description it will find. Giggle.

Interesting to sense the depth and ease that I connected with my birth mother. Is this what people feel at the core essence of the mother/child relationship:  a spiritual passenger inside the womb of a spiritual being, so the bond is through all planes of spirit, mind, and matter.  As I sit with this amazing spiritual state of inner peace, it feels familiar as I reflect on some new deep awareness I have from making the connection with my birth mother. As a form in gestation, one knows the form without thought and with the observer.

Intriguing reflection on a past meditation image that arose with me in a womb inside of Gurudev and he then turned into the Virgin Mary. It was startling at the time, but now there is something in the texture that is shared with my birth mother. A felt sense beyond the mind. Quite tranquil and profound.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Diwali From Afar

Diwali-photo from a friend
As I prepare to send a note to Gurudev, it is amazing the depths it takes me to. Another veil that is in place while not living in his presence. Is this necessary? It wasn't appropriate to sink to the ground with streaming tears in India, so I am thinking it is the same in America. Meditation has taken me to the place where Gurudev had said it isn't appropriate to go while in public. Another part of the learning curve. Signs that my spiritual awareness in training is coming into alignment with what I experienced at the feet of the Master? Grace.

There is "pain" but it is felt in the isolation as a two-legged walking in the Earth's Insanity Plan and now knowing there is so much more. Watching others spiral, falling, twirling, and more without the knowing--their pain holds them captive. My pain reminds me to open to the truth of who I am as an individuated soul: stillness, peace, freedom, wisdom, and love. Grace.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Hollow Reed In Training

As a single being, standing at the open mouth of a whale, and only having the truth as my defense. Astounding to experience the teachings from the Masters holding up against a corporate vehicle for global materialism and even creating a ripple with amplitude for human rights. The lesson of the Light and how to open more completely to the mystery, wisdom, and truth--no story, no obscurations, just being a hollow reed in training. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Rereading. There isn't anymore to add. Gurudev had this framed to hang inside his living space. I took note and have one in my living space as well.  As I walk into a fire from half a globe a way, I found this to be a point of reference once again--to be read, reread, sat with in stillness, and examined in the depth of my being as a two-legged walking, working, and living. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

Sitting In The Eye Of The Vortex

The Ocean and its power. 
Local Elk herd--Northern California
How the lesson plan continues to unfold. Offerings? Poignant moments? Insights into energetics unknown, but revealed to leave one bathed in stillness at a new awareness? Invited to a Sufi devotional music event presented by world recognized musicians. Attending as a newbie and no expectations.  I sat on a folded blanket on the floor with an opportunity to work on my ashram posture and presence. The music began. I couldn't stop the tears from the beauty of their voices, intention, and vibration/resonance of the whole.  For an hour and a half, I became the eye of the storm in stillness while the energy of the music and dancing crowd swirled around me as what I could only guess a tornado is like. Only the swirling energy was the same texture as the stillness, but moving.  How is this possible? An insight into the transition from being to doing without needing to pick up anything extra? An observation of power and activity without the distortion of ego? An opportunity to be in stillness while surrounded by dancing, singing, and drumming at a high pitch?

Thank you bus driver. I just need to continue to be open. These moments are so profound, because the mind cannot make sense of something so beyond its' capacity. Words are only a rough outline. A thread connecting all that I learned at the feet of the Master while sitting a half a globe away. The daily lesson plan has not slowed because I am not in India. Grace.

Merging of Two Rivers

Two watch the river run by where two are merged...
How appropriate to watch where two rivers merge while getting to know my birth parents. It was seamless, fluid, and full of depth, beauty, harmony, and a new sense of satiation.  Thank you!

And modern art as well

Monday, September 29, 2014

Double Rainbow

Nice photo Aaron from the balcony--thank you!
Walking in alignment with truth, integrity, justice, respect, and more is not always the easy way. For some reason, I keep thinking the walk will become easier, but only the inner knowing of Absolute Love and Truth has made the journey less painful.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


As I re-examine many of the facets of my past while continuing to walk on the spiral staircase, it becomes more and more clear that life is about the journey--the process--the walk. Every step has lead to the next and to the point from which I am.  Contact with inner awareness or a stimulus to go inward is what bathes this point of being.

I was playing with a new movie application while in India and had forgotten about this little clip.  Staggering to open and view it from this point on the spiral staircase.


Monday, September 22, 2014


Early morning event at a Sonoma County Winery
On this side of the Earth--beauty and tranquility. On the other side of the Earth--ravaged lands and chaos as evidenced by the outpouring of refugees. What next?

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Simple Beauty Of Wealth

The flower
The garden
The journey...
Modern wine barrel
VIP Event--manmade beach
Simple beauty of wealth and what it can create.  How fun to spend a day in such abundance serving people in a festive and happy state. Over $400 for each bottle of wine.

As I start to look at the collection of interviews for the second book project I sense the theme of the project emerging. How animals have been a bridge to Oneness. The perspective of the animal tribe and the challenge to serve/align to the simplicity of the animal soul while satisfying human desire. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Touching The Bottom of the Ocean

Playing with contrast....
It feels like I have been swimming a long time to understand the root of darkness in humanity. Human consciousness appears to allow the two-legged to reach a deeper point of depravity than animals.  I have continued to dive down until a few days ago--two events have helped to satisfy something within my inquiry that is now allowing me to swim back up to the surface for a breath--the point where all is One. Witnessing a dear friend touch Divinity while telling the story of looking into the eyes of the WWII front-line soldiers who were subject to hand-to-hand devastation and learning of management's disregard for an employee who has given twenty-five years of service and all for the sake of greed.  I understand now, the darkness is not cultural, affluence, gender, etc. related, but where one is in his or her journey to realizing the True Nature of one's Self.  This point of inquiry into  the darkness in humanity led me to India and to the truth of our state of Absolute Love and Truth.  Thank You!

The veil is not to be forgotten, but I feel a stone drop out of my net, the burden of living as a human is lighter, and the diminishment of this point of focus is allowing more light, truth, and love to flood inward. Others may need to go deeper, stay longer or the multitude of variations, but it feels like a check mark by a fact check for now.


Playing with color...

Saturday, August 30, 2014

World Of More

Me, Pal, and nature--I am in the zone.
The physical world of materialism is inevitable with having a form and needing to find food and shelter.  How much do each of us need and what do we need?  What happens in the procurement of goods and services? Having grown up in such abundance, part of my journey appears to be removing the scaffolding of wealth and examining life in its simplicity. My motivation for working now isn't to acquire the dream, but to be able to eat healthy food, live in a safe place, drive reliable transportation, have the option to seek health care for my body in its entirety, and have a some surplus for the unexpected.  Knowing this is possible is more then what a lot of people have. I live touching the world of more, but now I see it as the fun, the disease, or the bond.  What a teaching to work in three different jobs that are about service, but driven by different levels of desire: global corporation with share holders, small private business with customized/specialized services, and a private individual with specific dreams.

How to operate from a point of consciousness while falling down and standing up within the three work zones? The huge difference is my new reference point--what I am learning as an internal state from meditation and the Divine Genealogy.  The inner state is my only chance at peace.  The multitude of opportunities for shifting from this place is evident while starting with breathing and moving outward.  Grace to know of a way with Truth and Love as the anchor while falling down.  What is falling down, but a transition to standing up.

Me and an early toy--beginning of the Kewpie doll collection.
Designating this year to see friends and family from around the world has been awesome. Reconnecting to a brother that stepped out of the family for a long period of time.  He thanked me for reaching out, but it was my inner drive to touch all points of darkness or unfinished business as I know from Sue's perspective. Seeing people I haven't seen in thirty years. Early October, I have the privilege of meeting my birth parents. I will see the couple who helped me in my early years of dancing and are both approaching ninety--the conversation, their voices, and the kindness are timeless.  Sue's two-legged spiral staircase; photo albums to remind me of the earlier part of the journey.s  Planning to take a spin on the dance floor with a past dance partner. Receiving wonderful updates on Jaz and the perfect new owner.  Observing how we are all trying to be decent human beings and how the perspective/story is to be understood before it can be judged.

Feeling an impulse to go into living silence, but now is probably not the time. The exquisite state of the self cave is calling.  To lie on a grassy knoll, in the sun, and close my eyes for a moment while on break--Pahari Baba as I know him in photos appeared. Tears of what is ever present.

Grade school photos
Still stirring the Selfseeds pot....