Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Life In A Cycle

Not surprisingly a reflective time walking amongst the markers of the dead.  The visit was very interior as a walk with spirit or the essence of the beings who played a role in my life.  Thank you for your presence.

The two sets of parents know of one another now.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Sounds of Nature

Stream Of Life

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

Rabindranath Tagore

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


A small package arrived that contained photos of my genetic birth container.  I have always looked like Gandolf in a family of Hobbits with my adoptive family.  There is a uniqueness in viewing  morphological structures that are familiar, but on other human beings:  my ears, my chin, my nose, my legs, my head shape, etc. What was I expecting?  I realized that I had none.  After living 48 years without knowing, I didn't have it on the front burner, but it is fun.  There was no twinge in my heart, because I don't really know these people.  The point of acceptance appeared to be the twinge, but there was a sense of looking in the mirror at something familiar.

Now what?  There was a lovely note included and a shared thought, "The journey is the goal." How lovely to have a birth container that consciously includes spirituality in the daily walk.  More fun!

My adoptive mother and I will be meeting on Sunday to visit the gravesite of my adoptive father.  My plan is to share this new connection, but I will see if it appropriate given our other focus.  I want to share it in person and let her decide what to do with the information as I did with my birth parents.

As I have been untangling humility from worthiness it feels like the seat next to the driver.  While absorbing the new presence of my birth parents, answers to a life of seeking horse training fundamentals, and growing Selfseeds feel like they are in the backseat of the bus.

Thank you for these beautiful words Bhavani:

"The cracks are "where the light comes through" according to Leonard Cohen's song...Humans have cracks...so that is part of the Divine Plan. Just as it does not matter if my voice is strained or I make a few mistakes on the piano, if Krishna wants to connect with someone who might otherwise be closed to "his" vibration, he needs me there to work through, cracks and all. Your cracks create humility, and that enables others to open to "you" and the Divine in ways they might not if you were Miss High and Mighty Perfection Personified!!! You do not need to THINK you are perfect to be the perfect one for these particular "jobs."

In fact, you are Perfection personified, because even the cracks are part of the whole. The Isha Unpanishad prayer speaks to exactly that. This is Perfect, that is Perfect. Take away from Perfection and Perfection remains.

Yes...they are overestimating what part YOU can play, but YOU are not doing anything...it is what is working THROUGH you doing anything at all. So, you can focus on your cracks and unworthiness if you want, but God doesn't see any of it. God simply perceives a being who is open to serving, and another in need...a perfect circuit for Power to flow through.

It is all the ego playing games with you. Imperfection is also perfection. It has "its reasons"."

Happy and Feel

Recently, I was asked to help develop a book by one of my first horse mentors.  It is turning out to be such a gift to me and she feels the same.  I have words for aspects of horse training that she has inherently lived by growing up immersed in the depth of true, "old school", classical horsemanship.  It is an art that can be refined, but not removed when ethically and effectively creating a partnership with a horse.  "Happy" and "feel" are two words that were used in the day to evaluate the success of the training.  Happy was a translation for willing and offering by the horse while executing its duties. Feel was the assessment mechanism used by the two-legged to evaluate the state of the four-legged.

My journey with horses led me to these two words.  The pain in my path was from the removal of these words from the criteria for training. She smiled when I asked about them and confirmed their nonnegotiable presence.  I often felt like chicken little in the search for ethical techniques to train a horse to an advanced level. Over twenty-five years later, the words are now spoken as confirmation to what the Divine had led me to in my heart and soul while in India.

Often in a riding lesson, I would successfully complete the task at hand to an acceptable level as requested by the teacher.  So when I would ask, "Isn't there a better, more humane way to get to the same result?"  The response would be a pause, then often a contraction, and then words to the effect saying "No." My heart would sink and I would sit with a moment of sadness for the horses. It has been what my seeking was housed in--a humane way to train horses to do things that they didn't sign up for.

The irony and mystery of how we move through life continues as I find my answers in my own backyard and when I had surrendered to not finding an answer.  I was ok with using my inner sensing as the boundary, but this was a bonus to have it confirmed by someone who walked in the time that it was a standard way of operating.  It reminded me of a book that Gurudev had me read about the ethics and morality of India in the beginning of civilization.

As I stood in the arena teaching today, I smiled and felt relief that I didn't need to be swimming against the tide now to find answers.  I still need to swim, but the position feels in alignment with truth and love as part of a community that existed.  The escalator ride is coming into focus while the future is an unknown. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Intense Terror

Birth and Rebirth
On the enneagram, I am a five which is a fear based number.  I don't really consider myself fearful, but every now and then shear terror arises. The trigger?  Dismantling more of the separation between spiritual life and just living life.  The "ashram bucket" and the "street bucket" are merging at yet another level.  The self is being out voted and responded with almost paralyzing terror.  The young child needed to make yet another desperate grab for doubting worthiness, sensing failure, and feeling inadequate.  It was more than a fleeting moment to examine these deeply rooted threads from childhood that have propelled my warrior side to push through.  The vulnerability in letting go of yet another veil stirred the self examination.

The markers of Divine presence and guidance happen almost daily.  Why the intense terror?  Is it the  ego searching for any toe hold as I "Let Go."

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Laundry Soap Game

Lesson plan still on fire. "Got it, no ocean for now.  Can you stay at peace while living on land?"  Sigh, my sense is that knowing about the ocean was the carrot on the stick to 'Keep On!' One thing I learned as a white, woman, walking (and wondering) is that the point is to go straight, no avoidances, keep swimming, and work with each new obstacle as it arises. There have been a few days of "Really!" But for now, back to swimming along the bank.

In this resignation to living on land (I did raise my hand for cave dwelling, monastery enlistment, and living under a tree with an animal), it appears that I have to get serious about living with the two legged.  Lots of ideas now, but how to really play the game?  The laundry soap game has appeared.  It is when two people can mutually discuss, problem solve, repeat, misunderstand, circle around, and discover that both were saying the same thing with very different words and not lose presence, patience, focus, or love.  The topic could be agreeing on what laundry soap needs to go in the fancy, new, front-loading washing machine, but the principles of p, p, f, l apply.

One of my original objectives was can I be in the presence of humans in the same capacity as nature and animals?  Now the bar is can I take action with humans in the same capacity as walking in nature and working with 4-leggeds?  I see where a lot of work exists, a lot of mistakes were made, and a glimmer of insight as to how to move towards this new objective.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


These were fairy seeds growing up
Before, I felt like I was trying to find the ocean. Now, I feel like I am trying to find the land. A deep part of me wants to fall back into the ocean, but the form is yelling, "Crawl onto the land."

The launching of Selfeeds as a virtual site and the Corrective Exercise Training for the next level of effectiveness as a personal trainer are all lovely land activities. Riding the horses, selling horses, teaching, working out, visiting with friends continue to be "fun" land activities.

Daily Selfseed #3 Nature

Talking to my birth parents has touched a very deep completion cycle that is providing impetus to fall back into the ocean.  "But not yet!" the Voice is saying.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Taking Turns

When I experienced some of the deepest pain that I had known, (animal events in India), it felt like small fairy, insects would work to repair the rips in my soul fabric. The energy was very refined and without any disturbances.  As I grasped the fact that my birth parents were emailing to open the door a little bit farther, a flash of that very refined vibration shot through my heart and chest.  The energetic shifts and experiences are all so fascinating.  What is really happening and not just what we perceive from a very limited perspective. I was reminded that it was only "Day 4!"

A lot has happened in a very short amount of time. It feels like all 3 states of being are plugged in at high load levels.

As I was riding down the trail with a good friend, I was reflecting on what a privilege it is to be free to be in service to four such remarkable women at this time.  It is a time of stress for them, but a time of growth and beauty for me. We all take turns.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Gratitude For Rejection

Stepping into the abyss of potentially having biological parents has stirred some aspects of my belief systems at a VERY DEEP level. While sitting in the womb preparing for birthing, I appear to recall uncertainty and fear. While stepping into the human "skin" suit, I appear to recall horror and  limitations. While living in the presence of my adoptive family, I appear to have lived in care and conditional love.  The ongoing outward and inward rejection has set a survival style of over-achieving, skepticism, and defensiveness. As I step back from the initial contact, I see that I have opened the gateway to rejection once again. It is interesting to observe the layers as a "conscious" adult.  When I used the words birth parent to the Birth Parents, the child appeared and felt the uncertainty of love. Another exercise; there is no real attachment now that I have the alternative as an internal anchor point--the Divine. Everything pales in comparison.  Tears of gratitude instead of tears of anguish.  Thank you!  Yet another lap around the spiral staircase...