The uncovering of my game strategy has really struck something very deep within. I have been contemplating it for the past 12 hours and trying to get to the backside of something almost as natural as breathing. Needed some help from one of my email satellites in California--thank you Bhavani.
The inner disturbance was knowing that it was part of the ego fabric, but in what way and how to constructively work with it. It is the ego casing taking reaction while the inner/true self is observing. When I react, I have always been aware of the two worlds. The need to react has been the confusion, because it is not in alignment with my true self. The true self is in stillness and peace. Oh my, Oh my!!!! The point of separation to awaken my ego/false self is becoming clear now. In some ways it is like a tearing of something (pain) from a point of wholeness. Pranam to the horses for supporting this living place, but unidentified. Thank you two-leggeds for providing disturbances, so I could rediscover what has always been--my true nature and connection to the Divine.
While in Calcutta, I have been walking in the morning and at night. One sees a lot during off ours. As I see the disturbances, there is an energetic flash through my heart reminding me of the Divine presence in all--myself included. It is very touching to experience this instead of pain, frustration, and anger. Pranam to the Divine Genealogy being onboard morning and night. A trip to the surrender pile is easy now that I know what is going in the wheelbarrow--an unconscious game strategy. Street rules still apply while moving in the world at large, but I will be working around the line from a very different point of awareness.
The magic of this trip--pranam to Gurudev. So many aspects are being revisited, exposed, washed, energetically rewired. Those tears from such a deep place of gratitude well up as I sit with it all.