To go deeper into the next leg of the journey, I was questioning my meditation practice. Yes, I am living with the process 24/7, practice and stillness, but is it enough? If I am here dedicating myself to this practice, than I need to keep examining what I am doing. I decided to run it by Gurudev--the truth test. I had to giggle a bit over what it must have sounded like to a Spiritual Master. He listened and actually told me to talk (a rare request), so he could better understand. He okayed it, nothing to change. Really, I thought. How do I go deeper into something that is so unclear. Does it happen by practice? Or by grace? I have been dedicated to a practice, since that is what method I have used to gain success in other areas of my life. He agreed that a spiritual practice is much like a life practice, "The other side of the same coin."
So in a strange way there was moment of relief to put a check mark by the process I am using, but what about the elephant in the middle of the living room? Yes, a lot has already changed in a very short amount of time, but isn't that preliminary stuff for getting serious? Now that I have touched the truth of reality and know that one can hang out there pain free, what about the physical world? It doesn't appear to quietly just fold up and go away? So do I wait for grace? It is like being caught inside of a triangle. One side is death, but now I know that we don't ever die. The second side is the world as I have lived in it and now I know that isn't ever going to be the same. The final side is the new world and I am not sure if I am suppose to/can live in that either.
My plan was to ask Gurudev about all of this, but somehow after I accidentally touched his foot with my forehead while pranaming to him in the driveway, an internal cracking was unleashed. While sitting in front of Pahari Baba, I felt the need to be shattered. Mercilessly shattered, so I could exit the triangle or go insane. The tears were streaming uncontrollably. I reflected on my early experience at the Wishing Tree and offered myself beyond anything remotely recognizable. I consciously put myself (and my ego) at the feet of the Divine and said, "Here, do as you please."
Not that I don't doubt that Gurudev knows everything that is going on, I shifted over to his seated area just to give it all a chance not to end up as the insanity option. It felt like going through some sort of shape shifting experience. All I can say is wow and have gratitude for all the continuous flow of daily energetic shifts. I can appreciate how the body needs conditioning for this stuff just like running a marathon. Since I am phobic of Gurudev's feet and there seemed to be a foot theme going on, why not add to the list. There was a point that somehow my body went through his foot to merge into the world behind. There was a moment of doubt, but then I had to let go--completely and totally in a new way.
Not sure what happens next, but the intense desire for shattering is gone and inner peace has returned. Another moment of grace layered on the practice? Maybe the practice is an illusion and it is all grace!