Amazing Light

After Gurudev said that he didn't have an answer for my latest question for spiritual evolution and the sages up in the hill didn't either, I wondered if I was "done"--free to return to the US and start practicing all the stuff I have learned from a different vantage point.  I have the year or more scheduled off, but I have no idea how long I am meant to stay in India.  I spent two days reflecting and questioning my support team at home.  There isn't anything else that I want to understand more fully at the moment, so just settle into the practice.  I have asked questions forever, so it was sort of lovely not feeling like I had to unlock the mystery of the universe any longer.  That could come off my to do list for now, (Gurudev did make some mention that may be part of my purpose, but I am going to chew on that concept for a while.)

I often feel like I am climbing two ladders.  One is the spiritual and the second is the physical; I have some spiritual insight show up and then I play catch up with its integration into my mind and body.  Today was one of those days.  The ashram was SO quiet and very little traffic.  I went to some new place in the meditation.  There was an experience of intense light that felt like the limitless of how we perceive the sky/space.  I remember thinking, wow You are going to let me in there and I am not even dying--or was I?  It was so awesome!  It felt like the inner longing was somehow being put to rest--my ultimate Home.  The time passed so quickly, but it left a new inner sense of what is possible.

Later, while I was sitting again.  My mind and body ladder had a thought/perception, " Is it healthy or useful to be afraid of Gurudev."  I was suspicious of my ego putting another wedge in my heart opening, so I asked.  At first he thought I meant literal fear and that he is a good person--there is nothing to fear.  But I explained that it wasn't that type of fear, but a fear out of having such a huge amount of respect for him.  He said that was a healthy "fear" if it is for your Guru or the Divine.  Having worked with large animals, I have very little fear of the physical world, so the feeling surprised me.  He commented that it was a very deep and thoughtful question.