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| One of my favorite art pieces in the ashram. Notice the animals inside the cow. And a female Goddess as the rider. |
Fundamentally, my concept of the unpainted canvas is where my body, mind, and soul all are present, but my soul is the soup base and my mind/body are organs that float in the soup. In principle, it is an essence that is the purity of the soul and not to be disturbed by the physical world. My mind and body become a concept and the soul is the reality. Somehow, I was in that place for a section of time today. It was so profound, because I started to understand how anything could be happening to my physical body, but there would still be a place where nothing could penetrate. Plus, I would be in a state of expansion and not contraction. Somehow the thought of being severely flogged came to mind, but I remained in a state of peace. Those "bastards" couldn't reach me. I have been turning over and over the idea that a person could be gang raped and stay in a place of bliss. I had conjured up the worst case scenario and asked Narayana Baba if "this stuff worked" (this was over a year ago before coming to India) even under the most severe conditions? He said yes. I kept thinking it is because he is a man that he could say that. All the women in the know had varying degrees of contractions while considering the possibility. Gurudev told me that the recent episode of facing violence was some sort of a spiritual test--but he is a man too. Since both of them live on the other side of the wall, I was keeping the possibilities open. Today, I touched some impenetrable place. Oh My Gosh!!!!! It removed one of the last layers of fear. Without fear, one can open to anything.
All I can say, is that my years of working with Mataji showed me that whenever there was a challenge, it wasn't to back away, but to find the point of penetrating/dissolving it. When I looked at the rules around truth yesterday, I knew that I was doomed. I am not a people person in large groups. I can speak to large groups, but I have never been comfortable in a herd. Rule #2, a giant red flag--clear area of separation. My first thought was, maybe I need to get off the bus now. My next thought was, just step back for a night and rest. Leave it alone. See what shows up in the morning. Calling a truss for 10 hours. Bhavani sent a wonderful email independently supporting that idea, so I headed off to the gym as Sue going to the gym (and not a spiritual being in training.) I really love going to the gym and in the morning, India isn't as active so the walk is toned down. Morning greetings are exchanged with many of the children, women, and men. One of the children ran up and grabbed my hand which set off one of those involuntary waves of tears. The gym is turning out to be a safe haven. The guys are kind and fascinated by my workout intensity. They want to know when I am coming, so we can all work out together. Crazy, but that part actually feels normal to me. Even though I have been exercising 2-3 hours everyday, the intensity level at the gym is so much more satisfying. I am working out and not just moving my body. More learning.
Sitting at the ashram, I started to chew on how was I going to remain completely open in the presence of a group of foreigners. I could feel the contraction. My lovely horse and goat came to the rescue. They reminded me of what I experience as openness, no boundaries, and peace. The work in India has showed me that place with individuals too. And now, it is even a conscious place. When I meet new horses, I never see them as a color, set of markings, or shape. I experience them as a field. Who are they from the inside? Doesn't everyone do this? While I was working in South Africa, I was bullied and criticized for not knowing the horses names right away. I had never felt that was important when horses were sent to me in training. It was always about how we had nonverbal discussions and created a connection/trust that mattered--the name and outer stuff came later. My time in India has connected the same piece in humans for me, so now to try it out "at large." What is the worst that could happen, (fear of the unknown emerging?)
As people came in, I found that place I have with the animals. It was allowing me to stay open in a human-animal herd. After an hour or so of this, I noticed that I was somewhere new. I was somehow impenetrable, but by a profound level of love and acceptance. No desires, expectations, judgements or senses were present. The image of getting severely beaten by a group of people came into my mind, but it was an image no different than a moment of smell, sight, or sound. It didn't even create a ripple on the interior. How crazy is that my mind thought, but I was so peaceful. Nothing mattered, because I was nothing. I had nothing to do with the world as I typically know. I was the blank canvas behind the paint.
Earlier in the morning, Gurudev was reminding me that very, very few people are on a true spiritual path. Most are on a spiritual materialism path. He also commented that it is a very difficult path. I laughed and said, "Toffee, toffee," like the conversation with the children. Maybe this was a toffee moment! Pranam to Gurudev, Divine Genealogy, and Cosmic Intelligence!!!
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