Reflections: shattering of the heart? I had heard of shattering the ego? Shattering of my heart appeared to be my ego's concept of my heart. In the surrender, I realized how much we are actually alone. I have chosen to be alone, because humans have been scratchy/disconnected in comparison to animals/nature. But this journey has required integrating into the human world and learning to accept/embrace humans at the level I know with animals/nature--there is no hesitation only respect when faced with a large animal on four legs that can trample you --so lovely to share prashad (sugar balls) with the cows on my walk home. I wouldn't say that I am a normal, integrated human (of course, what is normal), but now, I do have expansive compassion, respect, and embrace everyone's "story" in my heart.
Moving away makes it easier to see who you are or think you are. You have your friends at home who it is easy to pick up the phone and have a conversation, but somehow writing becomes a limiting form of communication--your friends and family start to drop away. It becomes an opportunity for the ego to begin creating judgments about how others should behave and set yourself up for someone else fulfilling expectations and on and on. So at the end of the day, what or who is really left standing with unconditional love and patience?
More layers unfolding and more pain. My only conclusion was The Divine. In principle, the books, the teachings, other people in the know who have this belief, etc. all point towards this idea. Gurudev is the embodiment of this abstract concept, so can I count on him as a life line? But, he has skin and bones which can lead to scratchy behavior, distrust, and withdrawal of love. (Coming into the world adopted creates a pretty, deep and immediate hard wiring for not trusting humans at the core level, no mother, no love, living in the soup of your Mother's womb who is nervous about the future-- the short story version.) Great, no option, so I will have to plead my case with the form I see. But is surrendering and asking for help at that depth a guarantee? Maybe the Divine won't help me? Does that ever happen? Maybe you are rescued and then voted off the island? ( Thankfully, God had an assistant helping drive the bus who was sending remarkable insight, love, and wisdom through emails during all of this.)
My heart was breaking at such a level that the stock market wiping out a chunk of funds, favorite car totaled, beloved animal dying, my Father's death..... piece of cake. This was an ocean of pain with me bobbing up and down like a cork and no land in sight. I had to ask for some sign. What direction is land, so I could try to swim? Last time, Pahari Baba showed up in my room. This time, I spent the morning at The Tree in this new Reality. The land for my essence.
Moving away makes it easier to see who you are or think you are. You have your friends at home who it is easy to pick up the phone and have a conversation, but somehow writing becomes a limiting form of communication--your friends and family start to drop away. It becomes an opportunity for the ego to begin creating judgments about how others should behave and set yourself up for someone else fulfilling expectations and on and on. So at the end of the day, what or who is really left standing with unconditional love and patience?
More layers unfolding and more pain. My only conclusion was The Divine. In principle, the books, the teachings, other people in the know who have this belief, etc. all point towards this idea. Gurudev is the embodiment of this abstract concept, so can I count on him as a life line? But, he has skin and bones which can lead to scratchy behavior, distrust, and withdrawal of love. (Coming into the world adopted creates a pretty, deep and immediate hard wiring for not trusting humans at the core level, no mother, no love, living in the soup of your Mother's womb who is nervous about the future-- the short story version.) Great, no option, so I will have to plead my case with the form I see. But is surrendering and asking for help at that depth a guarantee? Maybe the Divine won't help me? Does that ever happen? Maybe you are rescued and then voted off the island? ( Thankfully, God had an assistant helping drive the bus who was sending remarkable insight, love, and wisdom through emails during all of this.)
My heart was breaking at such a level that the stock market wiping out a chunk of funds, favorite car totaled, beloved animal dying, my Father's death..... piece of cake. This was an ocean of pain with me bobbing up and down like a cork and no land in sight. I had to ask for some sign. What direction is land, so I could try to swim? Last time, Pahari Baba showed up in my room. This time, I spent the morning at The Tree in this new Reality. The land for my essence.
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