More Confessions

Maybe I could at least fall in the Lily Pond?

Fell down again.  What am I attached to?  What expectations do I have that are not being fulfilled by someone else?  What is the mind chatter for what I am not fulfilling in myself?  What am I doing again?  Gurudev is so awesome, but what does his presence (and life in India) allow access to that I cannot find at home?  I know the ego is acting up, but what is the piece I am missing?  Eureka!  While spinning on my bike, I had the audio on random and one of Eckhart Tolles' A New Earth sections flipped on--exactly the chapter I needed to hear.  Ok, up and out of the mud and moving again.

I start to love these apparent setbacks, because the carrot at the end of the stick is deepening or learning something new.  So if one of the most important aspects in the evolution of global consciousness is being/being present in the moment than what am I waiting for?

Back into the depths of the ego to see what I haven't allocated to the surrender pile.  Two items showed up.  Western Society doesn't really put meditation and "being" very high on the priority list--doing is much more a part of our focus.  And let's say the doing can be so hysterical that it leads to systemic health issues such as cancer, auto-immune diseases, etc.  "When in doubt, do or have!!"  It is the American way and can often lead to a remarkable standard of living which of course has value too.

Balance is the point people are starting to look at.  So while rummaging around in my ego attic, I was recognizing some guilt/shame around the idea of moving to India to deepen into a spiritual practice-- "just" for the sake of getting the hang of being in the moment.  Plus, I got a few notes from people that thought I was vacationing and somehow just by associating with India, I would find peace/love.  (I have to laugh--some vacation!  Just like sipping exotic drinks with colorful little umbrellas while longing on the white sands of some tropical island....)  My ego loves all of this and has jumped right up and created some question marks, since I have always been the type A overachiever of doing (outer orientation) this process appears as though I am being a slacker, (since it is an internal orientation.)

Listening to Eckhart helped A LOT (thank you Gurudev!), because he reminded me that this is the way of the future:  joy/peace/bliss resulting from being present in the moment of all actions.  It has become very clear to me that I have lived from one distraction to another.  I just kind of closed my eyes to the stuff in between and survived with pain.  The pain got so intolerable (as I mentioned a few blogs back that I didn't want to get sick or start self medicating), so I had to start looking at the in between.  Now I really understand if I want to stay out of pain/separation, being needs to exist all of the time--in the in between and the distraction phase, so it all merges as one state.  Easier to write about than to do.  When my mind starts to go on over drive, the red flag goes up.  My guilt was creating separation.  I started to lose my foot hold on inner stillness.  Wow, dropping that one into the wheelbarrow for a trip to the surrender pile was huge.  While meditating today, I found a new layer of inner peace (totally awake), no mental commentary, joy, and absolute contentment while not "doing" anything.

The second item on the list was "performance anxiety."  When I uncovered that belief, I had to laugh at myself.  What am I thinking considering  Gurudev sees everything and knows exactly where I am--even better than  I do--for sure!!!  Years of conditioning to perform at the highest level, be perfect, get all the answers right, and, and, and.  I know that I am not going to get an A on this stuff, but the years of conditioning were hanging on irrationally.  You have to love the mind and getting to know yourself.  Out comes the wheelbarrow...

I am still looking at this one:  "the pressure/responsibility" that I put on myself, since it is such a privilege to be at the Ashram, a holy place, and under His grace.  You cannot even imagine what it is like to observe such an auspicious Being and to know that you have been allowed to sit daily in His presence.  (For the doubting Westerners--this is off the charts compared to spotting a Hollywood star.  He has humility and love that touches the deepest part of your interior.)