Saturday, August 18, 2012

Dispassion Walk

Nothing like the present moment to try out the new state of surrender.  As I started my walk this morning, there was a man beating a camel with a stick--he wanted the camel to lie down and the camel wasn't cooperating.  A stick is a good source of intimidation for a large, four-legged animal.  Great, the elephant replay button, but with a slightly different variation.

I could feel the desire to take on human emotions (anger, sympathy, compassion, sadness, etc.), but instead I was observing from a new place of stillness.  It felt very empty without being lonely.  I was the eyes without much of a sense of physical presence.  It was as if I was a toddler and the Divine was watching as I tried to find the ground of being from a new perspective. I have fought like a warrior to hold onto compassion and now that is even gone in the form that was familiar.  I watched for a while.  The man kept beating the camel, but I knew that the camel was resisting for some reason and the man was not conscious of his needs.  Finally, one of the other camel people came to help and started to jerk on the wooden dowel that lives lodged in the camel's nose.  Two against one--the camel lowered.  I still stood and watched.  They took no notice of me.  Normal life.  As I watched the camel, he had to defecate.  How unpleasant to defecate while lying down--the internal drive is so not to do this.

The camel survived.  I survived and didn't feel the usual sick feeling of being twisted like a wet rag.  The place was of a sense of presence and observation.  I reflected on my past abuses, my present desire to evolve into someone more useful, and to have faith/trust in this new lesson from the Divine.

Where is the line?  It is so personal and takes continuous skillful examination.  The small, golden-labrador type, short, legged, new neighbor allowed me to quietly stroke his head while napping, but as I continued on my way, he leapt up and started jumping on me, chewing my hand, and my pants playfully. He had gotten in trouble for this before and now just holding my hand out in a no/down position usually works, but he was so excited.  I bopped him in on the crown of his head as he lunged upward.  He fell to the ground in rejection and I petted him for not jumping.  How confusing.  Is this skillful?  There are probably many other better ways, but the constant challenge of where is the line and how to create one.

My line for training horses has changed.  My line towards other two-leggeds has changed.  My line towards myself has changed.  Do I need a line?

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