What am I going to do without my walk everyday--my life teacher. I am going to need to start a walk at home or just use my life as my walk. The usual group of kids came running towards me, but instead they ran past me. There was a busload of tourists who had just arrived. Cool for me, maybe not so cool for them. As I continued my walk, there were two young boys without shirts/shoes and a large bag picking up litter in the park. As I approached, the young man nearest to me asked for something. I made eye contact, but kept walking. (He didn't cry out, run after me, pull on my clothes....) About three steps more, I was feeling the lint feeling starting. Why did I say no? What criteria had I created that eliminated him from the giving action? Was my presence still with the other kids who work as a pack? I turned and headed back-handing over a packet of cookies. He gestured to his friend in a way that felt like kindness instead of greed. I handed over a second pack and turned to continue my walk. I wouldn't say it was a lint free gesture, but something had shifted. As I was walking, I hear a cry out of "thank you." I turned to wave and that twinge from my heart was activated. The young boy with no shirt/shoes was my teacher--ever so humbling.
As I was meditating/contemplating, I was recognizing some feeling that I had when I was at the door of this heart opening process. I was questioning whether I was worthy of this path. It felt like a huge privilege and that you probably needed a heart passport to sign up. If I was Catholic and imagined that you handed the priest a slip of paper every time you went for confession, I was going to need a dump truck full of paper slips backed into the confessional. After the teachings of the young boy, how does one ever gain enough humility, scrape off enough ego, or open the heart enough to set foot in the line marked "humans with hearts."
I have watched programs like CNN's Heroes where people are doing amazing things in the world or people like Angelina Jolie are taking on humanitarian efforts and I wondered how you start? The reading and teachers keep saying that you start with yourself--living and acting with whatever level of consciousness you possess. Somehow it is the pebble in the pond idea: creating a ripple effect. My ego always felt that was so slow and insufficient. Good job ego. Where else could one start?
After feeling like a harpoon went through my heart, I started to sense that the "work" is in expanding my heart container. It isn't the doing as much as the capacity for humility, love, and peace, so that each action can be in alignment with those principles. At that point, I think I was hemorrhaging. I stumbled down the stairs from the ashram's Pahari Baba room to find some ground, breath, and digest this finding of truth. Of course, as I am trying to find my earth legs again, Gurudev is asking me if I would like prashad, lunch, etc. How could I be thinking about food when I just uncovered such a gnarly/awesome fact of reality (not to mention the offering is from one of the most humble humans on the planet?) I think it might be a guru ploy to help with grounding. I have noticed this before... It took me an hour to regroup from this lesson, so I could start my walk.
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