The desire to go farther on this path is irrefutable. The outer Sue is questioning the drive, relentlessness, and willingness to pound on every detail, but the inner Sue is yelling, keep going. The questioning of madness is on the top of the list. As I look around, others are bringing flowers, chit-chatting, and enjoying a nice social outing with other nice social beings. Nothing wrong with that, but what about the path? Yes, we are all on the path, but what about the hard core, minutia of the internal path? I don't mind being extreme and I have found it useful for creating high levels of results in my other disciplines, but maybe it is not needed or appropriate in this arena?
"Am I becoming mad?" Time for a fact check of my own reality. I know only a few people in the West who are on this scale of driven,(but I am sure there are others.) "No, you are not becoming mad, but you might be a little bit crazy." Craziness is normal for the insanity plan, but madness is different. Check mark, it is not inappropriate to be pursuing the spiritual path with this voraciousness. He showed me a written manual on the Divine car wash. Nice, now I know the names for the different energetic states that I have been experiencing daily while in the ashram. Check mark, there are very few true seekers on the path. Check mark, I am not wasting his time with my questions and practice.
How lovely to discuss the spiritual path from a historic, modern, and cultural view point. How useful to discuss the different alignment of walk and talk of spiritual teachers as examples of inner and outer manifestations of the path? How convenient that he could have me read a section of a book that he just finished and it covers the energetic aspects of the practice. How remarkable that he could assure me that I am not becoming mad, but that I am sincerely looking for something on a path that is appropriate for me.
As I was sitting with all of this in front of the wall of Divine Genealogy, I realized that a piece that I was missing was acceptance of myself as a serious, spiritual seeker. I was still the observer and outsider before the conversation, but now, another veil has been removed. It is okay to be Sue as a white, woman, walking, and seeking seriously on a spiritual path. I remember this transition in both riding and dancing of somehow shifting from the doer to the be-er. Still lots of homework, but it is a veil of acceptance of Who I am. The inner world is calling ever so relentlessly. The manual always helps me to pry the mind's fingers off the steering wheel.