What was I circling around in for the past few days? I have no doubt that if I dropped to the dark side, I could be wicked or was very wicked in a past life. There are elements of the darkness and a familiarity to anger/ hatred that I don't take for granted. While meditating at the ashram, I was experiencing gratitude for finding the path out of the darkness once again when I was heart-bombed internally with intense light and suffocating amounts of ecstatic energy. If I was a puppy, I probably would have been rolling around on the lawn, (giggle, giggle.) Completely unsolicited, but thank you for the hook-up to the river of light.
While cycling and listening to one of the IRG lesson plans, a few sensible answers showed up for the doubt, self-rejection, questioning of spiritual authenticity, callousness, and general "bad girl" behavior emerging--hatred. A very "unspiritual" emotion. Hatred is suppressed anger that is very stealth like, because it is exhibited as coldness, controlled pain, icy stillness/peace, and potentially undetectable. When anger goes to hatred, it can leak out in the form of judgement, teasing, cruel humor, sniping comments, and more. It feels like the heart is getting protection, but it is basically shutting down. Probably why I needed a supercharging dose of heart energy today to help counteract the dark side I was walking in (literally!)
Hatred is a part of the spectrum of emotional color, so it needs to find a healthy, digestible outlet. I have been asking to see my blind spots, a relentless use of the monkey stick, and the bring it on mantra, so the applicator was obliging.
While I was sitting with a group of women, I was experiencing intense respect for their strength, tenaciousness, and will.