No Free Pass

Jaipur, India

There is nothing like pain and confusion to help clarify where you want the bus driver to go.  How many times does one go around on the circle and end up at the same spot even though the view out the window looks a little bit different?  So many layers to keep working through--recognizing and letting go of the attachments--over, and over, and over... The double edged sword of our strengths and weaknesses.  Looking at the spiritual world at a new depth, but simultaneously pulled back into the world of the personality.  No free pass.  How many times has my inner critique helped propel me to new heights in my endeavors, but sometimes it comes from a form of bullying against myself. As I sit in stillness and dismantle the armor, the desire for inner peace grows and that includes eliminating confrontations exteriorly or interiorly.  Can I move forward without using violence against myself--self doubt, lack of worthiness, and the list goes on? 

Part of the surrender process for me is to keep opening my heart and willingness to be vulnerable to what is.  I decided to write Gurudev a letter to spell out where I was on the path (not that he doesn't already know) and see what I could do to go deeper into the Divine.  The revisiting pain and confusion made it clearer that the true path can ONLY be found internally (which he concurred.)  During my walks through the city, I look at the people sleeping on the sidewalks and ask, "Are their simple lives closer to the truth than the people who have wrapped themselves in multi-million dollar homes?"  This journey to India is about going inward, but there are still many opportunities for my ego to draw me into the outer world.  

Until this point, I have only asked Gurudev a few questions, so to sit at his feet after he read my letter was different.  All the playing cards on the table.  He knows that I am serious, but this conversation included my heart's desire at a new level rather than my brain seeking information. No one was in the ashram, so there was a spaciousness too.  I received a theory lesson and a history lesson--words spoken from the wise.  What a privilege.  When he told me at fair length about the Himalayas and the spiritual purity there, it did throw me for a bit of a loop since I hadn't had a thought of seeking spiritually beyond Jaipur.  Maybe a historical visit, but not setting up camp and spiritually diving. The jolt was more from the exterior than the two my knees jolt at the temple, but it did require a revival of sorts from the beings who support me across the water.  I thought one could be standing on a street corner and have it all worked out if that is one's destiny?

The pain and confusion are my own for dropping into the vat of boiling oil to debride more of the ego. As I hear of everyone's journeys and challenges it is amazing all of the variations. We are the collection of walking wounded...ah, the hospital.