Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My Father's Gravesite

My Father's gravesite is on a beautiful hill in Berkeley, California, overlooking the San Francisco Bay, and under a big tree.  My meditation started there, but I was with my mother.  We were paying our respects to him and leaving some bright, yellow Daffodils to ease our grief.  My parents were married over sixty years, so I was emotionally supporting my mother by being near physically while mentally leaving space for her to be alone with him.  It was an emotional moment for both of us.  My father was my deepest connection to family and probably the only human who I have truly loved.  He was a gentle pillar of support who supported my drive to excel without ever being overbearing.  He was the ultimate human cheer leader.

In part two of my meditation, I returned to the gravesite as a gentle breeze somehow entwined in the loving presence of the Divine. Expansive, benevolent, and experiencing a different version of love.  I could feel the difference in love for my father versus love for the Divine.  This teaching came during the days I was exploring emotion vs. virtue.

A series of events led me to look at the pain and process around addiction. The visit to my father woke it up and other life events "coincidentally" sprang into action.  Another tentacle from the ego and another tentacle to let go of.  I know that people's use of drugs, alcohol, food, etc. is usually related to some inner pain.  Coming to terms with it is rarely pleasant.  My father may have left his undigested which led to three different rounds of cancer.  As I have moved through my own pain layers and understood more about the process, I marvel at how loving he was in spite of whatever was inside.  He had such a gentleness and kindness:  something I have appreciated and felt from Gurudev.  He may have been my stepping stone to embracing the gateway Gurudev represents to God.

Gratitude for the mystery unfolding.

Photo by Mari-A

No comments: