Breakthrough in being

New state of being

In between the other parts of life, I am "working" on my meditation practice. Instead of "just" meditating, I decided to take it on like a science experiment.  Meditation is a big part of the time delegation and since Gurudev is simplifying my practice, I have to complicate it.  First of all,  I decided not to go to the morning tree meditation while I was sleepy.  Now that I am getting serious, I am feeling that being dazed or slumbering is not helpful for understanding this energized state of being/stillness.  Making this decision and getting sick were timely, because I wasn't going anywhere beyond my bed and could examine stillness while purposefully in that state.  I have to admit that it is the first time that I have been too sick to move, but I delighted in deepening into the Divine.  Fortunately, my illness was quite transitory, but somehow I connected into the world situation of hunger/poverty and learned something new about acceptance.

When I went back to moving and going to the ashram again, I found such an inner longing for that place I experienced while being sick (but without the nausea, etc.)  Part two of the science experiment: finding  my lent screen version of stillness with my eyes open.  There have been bits and pieces of feeling like I didn't have a body (only eyes in space) or I could detect an outline of a body (only eyes with a pretend body-nothing inside) or other variations, but they just showed up (bread crumbs from the universe...and I gratefully accept them.)  Could I direct the bus driver to take me there as a stop on the bus route?  In my neanderthal efforts to quiet my mind as part of the science experiment, I decided to focus on events, sounds, etc. going on around me like a chant.  For example, I might think: fan noise, bird noise, talking, fan noise, bird noise, talking, fan noise, bird noise, fan noise, fan noise, bird noise, talking, music, fan noise, bird noise, music, etc.   Identifying each distraction and then letting go of it. Accepting what showed up, but not having any tension or judgement around what I noticed.  For me, this led me to the body as an outline and an inner peace.

(As a side note, I have used my breath and heart beat as reaction monitors to what is going on--part of  an energy pulse rather than my focus.  Sometimes I am sitting still, but my heart rate is like I am sprinting or my breath needs to change to large deep breaths to compensate for some internal shift.  It really isn't different than when I am doing interval training on the treadmill.  It could look like nothing from the outside, because I am running in one place or sitting in one place, but I am experiencing a lot of physiological sensations that require my heart/breath to help with regulating the stress on my body.  Sometimes, I notice my heart racing or breath increasing before I feel any other indication of something has changed.  I guess I need to consider that breath and heart rate have been second nature for a long time in assessing horse stress or my stress as an athlete.)

Body as an outline could be a start (at least it is something different), so now how to get to the bigger spacious place.  Eyes only or maybe no eyes?  If really we are all space than what is stopping me from being that alone?  In the morning, I took my incinerator walk, but I went with my iShuffle and video camera--two distractions.  I walked, I sat, I videoed a city dog sleeping soundly in the middle of the meridian, I watched, I walked, I bought fruit/vegetables next to a naked man, I watched, I sat, I videoed--no agenda, just taking in what showed up.

When I made it back to the ashram, why was I more distracted than on my incinerator walk?  I was a little bit sleepy, so I noticed this was making me more irritated about the usual distractions and trying to meditate.  And whose choice was it to be distracted?  And could I change the sleepiness if I aligned to what it was instead of cursing it?  More test trials to run in the experiment.  Awesome!  Plus, how was it that yesterday, I went to a new place, ate lunch at a five star hotel, hung out in a nice house, taught a riding lesson at a new facility, drove home in a SUV in a downpour, and never even slightly reacted to any of it--it was all fluid and seamless like meditating with only eyes or an outline.  (All of that was normal, nothing was distracting, there were no rocks in the stream, I could just drift in the water.  Why not at home in California?  The materialism and work to keep the physical intact required throwing boulders into the stream and then being irritated by them.  Interesting discovery.)

Obviously, my perception is the control valve to the separation.  No surprise.  All the reading/teachings say that, but what is actually the transition to the separation?  A while back, I noticed the space in between the distractions.  Most of my life has been living to get to the distractions.  The stuff in between was just painful, so why consider that useful.  While living in India, almost everything has been a distraction, so getting to the place in between has been an oasis.  When I started my mantra:  fan noise, bird noise, sleepiness, fan noise, bird noise, sleepiness... instead of observing them which separates me for a moment, I decided to merge with them as if I was balancing in time and space with them, (the sleepiness was not going to let me only observe them.)  All of a sudden, the sleepiness went away and joy came flooding in.  I started to laugh.  How bloody simple (right!!)   Sounds and movements were happening, but somehow I was connected to all of it instead of slightly out of synchrony with them which often led to judgement, irritation, fear, etc.  People started to come, children were running, Gurudev was moving about, and I was just hanging out with joy at the bus stop.