When Is The Stain Not Washable?

Beautiful roses brought to Gurudev for Rose Day

Is growing more heart capacity a destiny item, a student lesson item, or some combination?  The ashram feels like a heart nursery.  My experience has been energetic fracturing of the heart over and over again.  In the beginning, I wondered if I would live through the experience and somehow I knew it wasn't my actual heart, but my energetic heart.  Every time that I appear to pass the lesson plan, I go through some variation of heart capacity changing:  stretching, breaking, dissolving, shakti pulses, etc.  Is there a way to change something more completely, so I don't keep finding it a limited container?  How about a heart of flowing Divine Love like the one Pahari Baba showed me.  I was looking at it outside of me before, so now to be in the stream with my heart open permanently?  Gurudev was talking about that yesterday, but I hadn't put myself on that list.

Gurudev color

Somehow while meditating, there was a shift in the vision.  I was in the flow, but there was still a membrane separating me from complete emersion.  Now what is the catch?  It was if a file drawer opened and all my really dark files were pulled out.  They were all files related to training animals and ethical areas that I had violated while I was training and learning discernment.  I had taken action against an animal for the sake of training and overlooked the heart/truth of the animal.  I always felt it and never did like the feeling.  It felt very, very dark, brutal, and created a stain on my conscience.  Eventually, this is what led me on the inquiry part of the spiritual journey.  Looking for answers and a more ethical technique.

Are these the type of stains that the Guru can ever wash out?  There are not enough tears for the sadness that I still feel lingering around these actions.  Maybe, the pain will always help to keep me on the path-- motivation to never leave the stream and lose sight of compassion. Always staying in the heart incubator and serving in whatever capacity is my providence.  Learning forgiveness for myself and other who have created stains, but are ready and willing to wash them away forever.  Is this an example of what appears as darkness is actually a variation of the Divine's Light?  There really is no darkness--only obscuration of the ever present light. All are worthy of forgiveness.