A big objective has been to be able to walk with eyes and spiritual heart open through the darker aspects of our Earth plan and feel compassion and equanimity. The black box experience was showing me this new potential. The aftermath of that much inner darkness shifting to a place of complete peace was stunning. When I went to sit, I was in the throws of despair, no place to turn but the new inner awareness, and surrender. I have been living with physical intensity for a period of time now, so while sitting with a new focus on the inner guide, the past moments of the dog with the broken jaw, the chained elephant, and more did go through the mind map and I could see this was part of that thread--the waking up thread. Touching what was deepest to my heart in order to shift the depths of weaving. It was powerful to arise out of that depth of despair with such clarity and calm. I had made a point to work with only my self and no questions for Gurudev, so I could fall down and stand up in the womb of the ashram.
In the evening, we discussed how I have approached the path with blinkers on like a race horse who is heading for the post. "No, it wasn't inappropriate, but very few will follow this design. The ashram is for the social enjoyment as well as the spiritual otherwise, there would only be a handful of people showing up everyday." I have come to this understanding and there is beauty in this as well. I just needed to create a cave within the ashram to know my inner self. As we chatted about what I have learned and how it has changed my life, I found the description of marvelous and beyond words. He volunteered the check mark for the "beyond words" and applied it with his glowing smile.
In the wake of it all, the deep tears were stirring. Knowing compassion and understanding for myself at this depth is the only way I can truly have it for others. The experience of the Self container is the foundation for all outer perception. It is the screen I operate through, because it is "Who I am." Experiencing the Divine as the weaver has left me speechless for what is possible. A small miracle to witness inwardly? Being awake enough on the operating table to witness the operation and know it wasn't a dream? Grace and pranam. I had been wondering how a direct experience of the One would manifest, so my questioning mind would quit questioning and start accepting the knowing. Looking back, I see many of these remarkable moments, but the timing of the unveiling is part of the mystery of destiny.
Experiencing the depth of wisdom, love, and support from the group on the other side of the globe has been incredible. To have a little more insight into their journeys and depth of knowing has been crucial. Their ability to examine and articulate from afar is a cool part of the modern age of internet.
"Everyday is a teaching and an opportunity to learn." For me that is part of the fun--good or bad. Now to see what this new day brings forth... It feels once again, a new beginnig for understanding and living from the Truth.