Two years ago, I asked Gurudev why I felt such reverence and a form of fear for what he embodied--like a flame that you appreciate the heat and the light, but you don't want to touch it for the power and mystery. What does a flame feel like? He understands that I am not trying to be disrespectful, but in the West, we don't have many of these beings, (if any?)
In my circling on the spiral staircase, I am noticing that A LOT has shifted, but this piece has not. In many aspects, I have let go of the veil of fear except when needed in physical protection, but this state of heightened awareness, nervousness, reverence, and more are still present. I have to gather courage to approach him, feel embarrassed when he thanks me, and an uncertainty of how to act according to the level of respect i feel, but it has nothing to do with anything outward he has ever done. Quite the contrary, he has always been respectful, kind, sensitive, attentive, and welcoming. It is the unspoken and the undercurrent that stirs this inner reaction--a return to some childlike aspect of one's self.
So, I gathered the courage to ask him about these observations. The concern that it was limiting my growth or creating an unnecessary separation was my driving force. I have met a lot of people and had a lot of teachers, but there is something so unique about this connection. I don't feel it with any other orange robed being and I have never experienced it in any other form. Gurudev nodded, understood, and shared a story of his feelings and actions towards Pahari Baba. Didn't expect that, but it did answer all of my questions, observations, and feelings. Would precious or sacred suffice to describe those kind of conversations. Glad that my inquiring mind overcomes my concerns most of the time, but others may not...
Without asking, Gurudev confirmed what I learned through nature yesterday. He agreed that it was a very pure, useful way for me to stay in touch with the Divine and what lessons are available. Bonus!