Attuning

A new possibility

It felt like horse training techniques on my inner self.  Pulling on one rein so the outer world thoughts didn't take over, allowing with the other rein so the inner thoughts could be minimized, and then directing my awareness to the felt sense of my heart.  Gurudev had been telling me about traditional Indian funerals, so I liked the idea of offering my entire self onto a burning surrender pile.  I was at that point of desperation where something had to change. It was as if I needed to eviscerate my heart in some way so the self could be replaced by the Self.

I don't usually make little prayers, but I did offer to be in service, no questions asked, in any form that needed to manifest if I could touch this deeper aspect of my heart.  It is a fracturing or offering of death in some ways.  This aspect has appeared on the path many times before, but this time I was able to stand in it without outward coaching.  All of the steps are remarkable. Grace was the response, some new inner state threaded with shakti.

The next day for the first time, I was able to touch that deeper aspect through the practice:  where the outer dialogue stops, the body doesn't argue, the mind doesn't create stories, and there is a felt sense of nothing. With the horses, I have always naturally attuned to their state of being.  In the moments of this deepest despair, I turned to this idea of attuning to what I have learned as a felt sense of Source. Sitting with the vibration of the ashram, the Divine Genealogy, and a living Master gave me a a guide to where to "hang on and not get bucked off!" Three years ago, Gurudev had said that my approach with horses was not going to be so different than the practice for the spiritual path; today, I understand those words of wisdom and insight.