Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Innermost Surrender?

As I walk, the thorn removal appears to have removed a layer of doubt about Source, (or possibly all of it.) Instead of offering myself as an object to Source, I offered the essence of myself to Source as an innermost surrender. The fabric of what I was letting go of felt like the fabric of what I was in--no separation. So was this the thought form that keeps me separated from knowing my true self? The mind is so clever at separating and parsing out every opportunity to create a stronghold. It is working as the secret society and I don't even understand the separation at times until after the shift.  Of course, it is all so subject to how I interpret the story and perceive the transformation. The shift allows for a greater sense of detachment and clarity about the lack of relevancy of the earth drama.  In small increments there has been a growing liberation from the old operating system. 

Gurudev's clarification of a thought as the only point of separation and a possibility that a normal human could realize his or her true nature was incredibly helpful.  My experience of Gurudev from day one has been that he is a flame/fire ball that happens to inhabit a body and the energetic field that emanates from him is beyond anything I have every experienced in a human form.  The electrifying quality has kept me in awe of what is sitting in that chair, but it has been so "super human" that it never felt possible that a normal person like myself would ever come close to knowing my inner self as mentioned in the books he has me read.  Spending some time sitting next to him allowed me to at least recognize his human qualities and he graciously spoke about these as well.  The path is so many small steps, so a bridge was created in understanding this humanness, but I understand that the super human quality is what has  kept drawing me back to the flame like a moth. 

Even today, spending a day alone in the ashram (plenty of homework) and then watching him walk in brings those uncontrolled tears of gratitude. I now recognize that he is a living, walking, breathing, massive spiritual heart who offers kindness, wisdom, thoughtfulness, and a tuning antennae for what our innermost self is working on uncovering.

Very clear morning while jogging up to the top!

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