At the end of the first day back, I was reflecting on what that felt like in my normal environment. Everything and everyone was in fantastic order, healthy, happy, and appearing seamless. I got reports that a couple of my plants tried to die immediately after my departure and the animals were a bit lost, but life moves on... The animals all greeted me with their various voices of recognition and body actions of anticipation. It was lovely to be in their presence and the quiet beauty of the farm. In the past, that would have been all I looked for and quickly busied myself in some other capacity. So what was this intense heart pain that I was experiencing. My ego appeared to have some need to be recognized and greeted by the population at large that Hi, I am back. Is this a reflection of our western society and the independent nature that is created in it? Or is this a reflection of the independence that I have personally created within the human landscape? Whichever one it was, it took me into the depth of isolation and what it must be like for people in rest homes, hospitals, and isolated living conditions who have human contact as a result of daily functioning, but different than the outside contact reaching inward out of free will. Wow, that thought hadn't been on my radar screen before. I learned from birth to not put that expectation on my list. Some serious lint had been taken off the screen to find that section of my heart. Pain is good too.
At that point of recognition, I probably could have reached for a cigarette if I smoked, an alcoholic beverage if I drank, a box of cookies if I food indulged, turned on the television as a distraction, or whatever else would have worked to give me temporary comfort. Instead, I decided to meditate and connect to this newly discovered heart petrol system--connecting to the source of who I am instead of who my mind thinks I am. New territory for sure, but it did help me out of the rabbit hole. Thank you and pranam.
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