Thursday, February 21, 2013

Unfinished Business

My favorite photo and center altar piece for life as I know it today.
If you look at the first post on the blog, it was about the connection with horses.  The connection with horses which then led me to the connection with humans has been the theme of my life. The deepest and biggest question has been what will happen in "The Walk" through the horse world after two years of walking through fire.  Maybe it won't need to be addressed after what I witnessed while living in India?  Spiral staircase 101:  not one stone is ever left unexamined, reexamined, and then reexamined again--over and over until it becomes only an observation and not a charged reaction.  At least this is how my path is unfolding.  The three photo test is still my benchmark.  

Simple homework assignment, find a safe, professional place to house a horse for a month or two.  This meant going to examine the horse world.  Basically, I still feel wide open from sitting at Gurudev and the Divine Genealogy's feet.  Not much in my 'Western Society existence' requires switching out of ashram mode to street mode--and my desire at this point is to only switch as a last ditch effort.  Moving humans onto the shelf with animals and nature has supported this state of being--or recognizing that all is One.  

Quite innocently and without thoughts of the past deep pain that drove me to the inner path, I set off on my homework assignment to evaluate 5 facilities.  Dizziness, nausea, and deep despair were not what I expected to find.  The history is so deep and I had probably stuffed quite a bit of it into the deep recesses of my cellular existence, so should I be surprised that I felt like vomiting and started to cough of chunks of material from deep within.  It had started in New Hampshire, but now it was tipped over the edge.  I came face to face with one of the darkest violators of the horse's well being, but there was no reaction--only understanding and compassion for all the different stages we inhabit on the path.  My physiological reaction felt like I needed to purge and vomit until I turned inside out and something died--and I was okay with that being me.  In India, there were times I felt like I would energetically die but from an outward to inward alignment--into the fire with only ashes remaining.  This time, it was as if the entire inner lining needed to be shifted--the fabric or viewpoint from which I have lived for the past 48 years.  Even the ashes needed to be cremated.  

 The Divine Carwash was in overdrive, but from the past two years of energetic scrubbing and washing  there was nothing to do but to surrender. It was a spot on the fabric that I had touched, but not directly addressed in the past two years, so why not start there?  My soul must be on overdrive and running up the spiral staircase.  Is that it now?  Nothing left to purge?  I have had the grace to touch all of the dark points from the past and to sense where I am in relationship to them.  Is there a better word than forgiveness?  Is it the limits of words that there is no word that describes the level of acceptance one wants to experience life after soaking in the vibration of a living Master?  Forgiveness now has a tinge of ego attached to it, but that could be that humans created words and while one lives in a body, the ego will be part of the design.  

Walking into the fire becomes one's specialty when deepening into the purification process.  A massive shift that I recognize this time while stepping away from the direct touchstone of the ashram is that the inner state of self (or Self?) is peaceful and the outer self is in action as the doer.  The purification is the continued dismantling of veils that separated one from the One.  There is no desire to self medicate even with the material abundance, because nothing remotely compares to the deepening into the self as Source.  What a remarkable realization.

This body will continue to do something and the development of Selfseeds is really unfolding daily.  The personal training program is exactly what I needed to do as a next step to understand the modern physiological/psychological training of the human.  Selfseeds will be the introductory garden for helping people discover and grow their "self" seeds.   It is apparent that it will be a clarification and education of "A" as the first step and baseline from where each person will take action from.  The baseline will involve the inner and the outer awareness with opportunities to develop both.  I have always loved the basics and never tire from them, since they are the purist manifestation of whatever is pursued and the touchstone to the inner resonance from which each grows.  

I did promise the Universe that I would stay in service to the horse world if that was part of the path, so this first step of helping a student who is motivated by pure connection and not ego achievements while riding a well trained horse will be my bubble-wrapped reentry into the professional horse community.  And maybe this will be a new start or maybe this will be the wrap up?

I changed my screen saver to the above photo for both my laptop and my phone.  There is nothing else now.  Thank you and pranam.  Somehow, I have now been untethered from my Western point of birth. "Let Go!" has been the advice and the practice.  The first year in India of being dunked in the depth of Absolute Truth and Absolute Love was the new beginning:  the energetic rewiring, the heart as the lamp light for living, and the undeniable presence of the Divine.  Year two felt like a deeper more refined version of year one, but now the Divine Intelligence has been threaded into the package, so words and communication can be included in my articulation of the path.  Year three?  How to be in service to it all?

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