The tulip bulbs from Holland made it to my mother along with a visit. She enjoyed the pictures from India, but was horrified by my very short hair. Housesitting is coming to a close. Intensely reading and studying the material for becoming a personal fitness instructor. Circling back to my college education. Planning to work with a fitness instructor who has trained in this system and I will be the project. Apple technology all appears to be sorted out: I can use my phone as a hotspot for my laptop connection to the internet. Heading to New Hampshire to look at a horse for a client. COLD and two feet of snow, but hoping the horse makes sense for a perfect match.
Constant gratitude while reflecting on what I have learned during the past two years. The body still takes action, but the inner awareness is profoundly different. The inner contract is bobbing gently in a still ocean while the outer contract is hang-ten on mammoth waves. Starting at "my end point" has been useful. The usual insanity around horse sales and life is unfolding and I am amused, smiling, and giggling. I can sense where the ego would have deliberated and talked me into a deeper point of disturbance. Ethical decisions are not decisions but actions taken in alignment to this new sense of Absolute Truth. The choices are observed, but the path is a lot straighter even while others are moving in an oblique way. The "right" choice isn't about Sue's choice, but what is the direction for the collective involved. There is A LOT less internal scratchiness since my ego's attachment isn't directing the choices. All of this isn't unfamiliar, but it is clearer where the "right action" is coming from and to trust it. Before, there was more effort. The difference is having better techniques/tools/inner guidance.
Another big shift is "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him/her drink." In making business, personal, practical, emotional, spiritual, etc. decisions they often involve others. The limit is each persons willingness to communicate what is going on exteriorly/interiorly. I can stand by the horse's head and mentally coax the horse, scoop a handful of water and touch it to the horse's mouth, etc. but it can only be the horse that takes action. I notice more clearly that often with communication the "end" is left as a void. The period doesn't come because the sun has set, the calendar shows it is Sunday, or I die, but as a marker for transition. The punctuation is a resting point, deep breath, inner pause, relaxation, point of collection, interiorization, reflection, and a chance to be in the gap for allowing what is. Is this where communication can begin to erode? The ego can start to create its own story in the uncertainty of unfinished business, so by consciously punctuating communication is a more peaceful state encouraged?
When Gurudev had finished answering a question by knowing it had settled beyond my brain, but in my heart, it always felt like a very, very deep drink at a very, very pure trough. Every part of my being was satiated by wisdom. He always offered a meaningful commentary addressing the question--even if it was hours or a day later; it always appeared. No one in a body probably has his capacity, but I want to try and live with this intention in every point of contact. Is it for Sue? Maybe at this beginning stage, but my soul/heart is beckoning me to keep drinking and not become separated from the Source. The realization of self as Source and the interaction with others as Source is my heart's desire and reflection on this Valentine's Day.
The fear and uncertainty of humans has been transformed enough to uncover these connections. Part of my homework is to live it in all the different forms of communication--no different than the street life and the ashram life. Again, the outward appearance may be unrecognizable, but the interior landscape knows. My heart and soul not only wants to drink, but to drown in this state. It is reaching some new state of urgency marked undeniable. The irony has been feeling like a living fire, but it is somehow unquenchable. These small realizations, shifts, and practices are somehow showing me that fire and water can and do mix. It is a state of awareness that provides for a more skillful passage through the day. The seeming lack of action by others is to not find fault or create judgement, but to inspire me to dig deeper and stay focused on my own homework list.
What a privilege to sit with an oozing heart in the quiet of a warm house, in a safe neighborhood, with my stomach full, no urgent requirements, reflecting on the global community that I now know personally and the one's who are yet to be known--thank you and pranam.
The feeling of changing energetics and morphology continues. Only now it appears during my daily process instead of just while meditating. It is taking on the action of a period--giggle.