Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Root of Self Sabotaging Thought

Beneficial to observe the root of self sabotaging thoughts.  Learning to sing has been educational in more ways than the actual singing.  I had a lot of demons around the idea and action of singing, so Bhavani has been remarkable in her skillful unraveling of the unnecessary beliefs around singing.  We had traversed the initial block of fear a year ago, so I wanted to revisit the experience since heading feet first into the fire is my specialty right now.  In two lessons it is remarkable the progress, but I have found the root tendril of self sabotage/doubt/fear/insecurity once again.  When I unknowingly produce above average results everything is fine and I proceed blindly (which is the truth already), but when I receive praise or positive input on my "abilities", the little voice of the ego wants to jump in.  The thought starts as a very small inner disturbance--before there are any concrete thoughts.  But then it happily goes on to create a story that is quick to judge, question, and doubt.

The interesting discovery for me is that I am learning to sing without engaging the left side of the brain, so  an inner disturbance becomes quickly noticeable.  The singing part of my brain (for now) is where I also sit in stillness.  The mind is not really working other than a rudimentary awareness.  My nature is to be analytical, so it is an almost disturbing experience to be succeeding in something without using the familiar patterns.  My mind and ego keep wanting to find an access point to have the brain function climb over the fence to the other side.

One of my first spiritual assignments from Narayana Baba was to find the beginning of thought.  Now over two years later, the lesson is pulled up on the Rolodex with exquisite clarity.

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