Hairball 101

The magic of rainy days.  The next day is so fresh, the grass appreciated the drink, the sun is warming the Earth, and the gentle breeze reminds us of the invisible forces at work. Sigh, my current duties include babysitting horses while they eat grass which also supports reflection and meditation. 

Since the wheel of life stopped at the horse world, I see that the circle is complete now.  The questions I had when I left for South Africa a little over two years ago have been answered.  The little bit of riding and teaching that I have been engaging in have shown me where I am on the path of horses and I feel at peace with what I know and don't know now.  The irony is that the two years away from the horses have answered my questions that I had with horses.  I needed to be able to go deeper in my own truth, so I could match or "exceed" their point of stillness.  I had somehow lost that in the process of technically learning how to train them.  My teachers never seemed to miss it, so it was not supported and nurtured.  As a three year old sitting under the horses in the field, I was probably the closest to their stillness point.  Somewhere in the technical advancement, my soul began to cry out over this gap between technical and heart truth. 

As I reflect on this awareness, the tears arise. I experienced a beautiful set of images in a recent meditation; it started with a side view of my head in its current very short hair status, then Gurudev sitting in lotus position arose in my left eye, and the third image was a galloping horse with all only its heart and arteries highlighted in red.  The vibrational impact was that of sitting at the ashram, but with the "three photo" slide show.  It felt like the knitting together of all that has transpired in my 48 years of this lifetime--neatly and succinctly underscored. 

Part of this vibrational alignment has involved coughing up hairballs.  The exterior removal of mud and lint has migrated to a deeper action of coughing up bits and pieces of very deep history and beliefs.  There is a sense of inner purification and clearing as the perceived disconnect is digested and let go of.  They are veils as well, but inner veils.  Amazing to experience how committed the self is to a continued process of removing the obscurations of True Nature. 

The Deepest Personal Threads

Alcoholism, animal family, and a few other topics are my deepest threads that have woven in and out of my entire life as Sue. They have been the places of pain, despair, uncertainty, and change.  The Western Container is relevant for exposing the deep tendrils of their presence and to offer more opportunities for capacity building. The anguish and pain are still present, but they are tempered and diluted by the ever growing state of inner peace.  How different to visit these trigger points from this new perspective.  As I am discovering, the truth of the heart will not be denied.  It is the escalator and the magnetism for truth and love.  There continues to be opportunities to replace the old mantel of obscuration, but my heart is yelling, "No!"  While standing on the edge of what feels like a precipice for action, there is no going back now, only letting go into the unknown with my heart as the navigator.

CPR/AED Training

http://selfseeds.com/blog/?p=1052

Ramakrishna Order in San Francisco

Entrance to Ramakrishna Order in San Francisco

The Streets of San Francisco while looking out to the bay.

I had an appointment with the Swami.  He was white, but familiarly dressed in an orange robe with an orange knit cap.  Such a kind, sweet being that embodied the quiet inward passion of his path to the Divine. It was so cool to hear the words that he chose to talk about that place inside of us that is unshakeable, formless, and saturated in Absolute Truth and Love.  He called it the soft rock. We were having a shared experience from a human spiritual point of view.

After over an hour of talking, the crucible dust from the conversation was that state of being is it. Once one is anchored in that awareness--the rest is only exterior details.  As we shared that place in silence, the tears welled up uncontrollably and I thanked him for being someone to articulate and share not only his beliefs but my freshly unveiled world.  I explained that it was very graciously exposed to me from two years of inner experiences directed from the feet of Gurudev and the Divine Genealogy.  He was glowing and kindly invited me to come again. The journey of the heart continues.

Aspen

A final medical exam to determine that euthanasia is the most humane next step.

Remarkable how death can be such a profound teacher.  Sitting with Aspen in his final days allowed me to experience my old felt connection to horses and the new felt connection to the Divine.  They weren't so different--one was in a brown, four legged container and the other had no container.

There was a moment in the decision making of his final days that I needed to be clear within myself while playing the role of Dr. Kavorkean.  It needed to feel as clear and full of love as any decision could or had ever felt.  The owner was in a space reminiscent of my pre-India state and was trying to get me to step around this new point of source connection that I am operating from now.  I was sobbing and an emotional wreck, but it was from the point of being asked to separate from Absolute Truth and Love.  No, I couldn't go back to putting that mantel on even if it meant losing one of my dearest friends.  The construction was developed in India, but now it was being put to the test in my old, familiar world.  I had often felt this anguish before, but I had insufficient tools and no other path to follow.  It was a point of intense surrender to what action would manifest from sitting at this point of truth as an action.  Same country, same horses, but a VERY different reference point.  Was this a profound moment of truly being the instrument?

24 hours later:

In the arranging of his final details, his state of being created an opportunity for three of us to share in his Divine Nature as a part of our own inner nature.  The conversation moved onto the Pahari Baba Ashram/Gurudev as a place to sense this without the four legs. We were sitting in the silence of it all when the phone range with the caller informing us the truck would arrive in the morning for his final transition from the body.  It too was a shared moment that felt like an electrical bolt striking through us all--the experience of "living death" as an energetic texture while wide open in our hearts.

Thank you Aspen for your animal soul presence and now we hope you are in greener pastures and pain free...

Walking Endlessly

Where I live for now...

My heart continues to shatter.  Submerged in so much passion and love at times that it is painful.  A difference is being in an environment that is pristine and beautiful, but not always receptive to the depth of Absolute Truth and Love.  Sitting at the ashram was like the magic box that opened my heart to a new capacity of being.  There was a gentle (and sometimes explosive) coaxing involved by the concentrated, energetics of the Divine Geneaology--an invitation to wade into the depths of the ocean.  Now, I feel the desire to wade, but the container appears more limiting.  Is this yet another point of attachment that will organically find its end?  At some point, I won't need the container encouraging me to let go?

There are moments that are showing me this and one was while sitting with the soul of one of the aging horses who is probably coming to a closure of his lifetime.  The horses continue to teach me.  They are like giant, four legged balls of unedited love who have no restriction in offering or receiving--no scratchiness.  He showed me the depth of my new state and how humans often pull away or create some form of protection.  Now I see more clearly the state of scratchiness from both sides of the fence--mine and others.

The exploration of this is beginning.  It feels overwhelming, out of control, and remarkably vulnerable at times, so when it is flaring up like a fire, I take a little time out to acknowledge it and let it run its course.

Fruit Trees

A panoramic view of Bodega Bay.

What really happens in the transformation of the human's practice as a form to the human's practice as the formless?  Does the progression of spiritual awareness mean dropping the duties, responsibilities, and actions associated with the physical/mental aspects of the form ("What To Do While Doing?") or does it create an additional list with a heading of "What To Do While Being?"

As a living being on the human side of the wall looking at the path towards formlessness, I have been observing there appears to be as many different styles, approaches, and manifestations as there are individuals on the transformative path.  What is the ideal model for a spiritual teacher?  What is the ideal model for a disciple/seeker?"  At what point is one considered transformed into the other?  Do we all agree on the characteristics of a perfectly baked cookie?  Does this become yet another opportunity for discernment, digestion, and surrender?  All the steps along this specialized path have involved these actions to nonaction, but my list for the physical has not diminished while I am aware of inhabiting a body.  I still need to eat healthfully, brush my teeth, exercise, etc.

At this point in my journey, I appreciate all the variations, but I do find comfort in learning from a living example/Master who "walks the talk" of the scriptural ideals.  Gurudev made it clear from the beginning that anyone who inhabits a body is going to have perceived flaws and that it is part of the embodied evolutionary design.  Maybe because of my limited capacity,  I prefer not to see the flaws in the categories of ethics, morality, and "right" action as outlined in most spiritual texts. It is not to say that I couldn't learn from a person with 93 Rolls Royce's (Osho) or someone who has indiscrete relationships with his/her disciples (too many to name), or any number of other variations of perceived less desirable actions, but my preference is for someone who shows how it can be done. The list of a Master's qualifications is personal and in contract with the Divine and so far, the list only exists in the wake state.

As a child, I believed in the supervising/parenting adult as the life leader.  At some point, I accumulated my own observations, experiences, and discernment and began to observe from a different perspective.  The parent as the authority and guiding example may or may not hold at that point.  I am learning that spiritual leaders are no different--stepping stones.  Gurudev NEVER speaks of himself as the guru or the one at the end of the food chain. He always gestures towards the Divine Genealogy and the formless beyond.

As a student there have been questions around how to integrate the seemingly different worlds.  At first there was a state of confusion, since it was so different than what was familiar--not unlike adjusting to India as a physical container. Now as some of the dust is settling, I experience the principles as fruits ripening within.  There appears to be an organic path that arises from the old desires and actions.  I needed the old fruit as a contact or as markers of awareness.  As a deeper, energetic connection to the Divine "solidifies", the old connections wither, the old fruit drops away, new fruit emerges, and the cycles continue.   Is this the path of purification? Probably and I will need to live through many, many fruit cycles to follow the path of Ramakrishna, Gurudev, or others.  The dying of the fruit becomes a point of rebirth, so it is not felt as a loss but as an opening to something more sacred and pure.  The path of renunciation isn't felt as a sacrifice, but as an opportunity to come into contact with the abstraction of the formless.  As a child, we may have played dress-up to emulate our parents and now we play renunciation to emulate the Divine.

Most of the current world nature is about materialism, so I personally need the living example of what is possible.  Reading it in the books is one aspect, but sitting at the feet of it is another.  Would I have thought to stand if I hadn't seen living examples or would I have continued to crawl?  Within myself, the tolerance for "bad" behavior is minimal.  I understand it, I possess it, I witness it regularly, but now, it is clearly observed as an obscuration--more fruit cycles in the cue of spiritual evolution.

As I continue to observe, read, and digest, I see that we are all fruit trees in varying stages.  We may even sit at the base of the most sacred fruit tree and may not be ready to receive the inspiration for change, so thank goodness for all of the stages in between. In this exercise of examining spiritual teachers, students, and the path, the Principles continue to apply.  Thank you!