The truth in motion

The opportunity to dismantle my life out of choice is turning out to be quite remarkable for my inward journey.  It feels like returning to a purity and wonderment from childhood, but with a dash of wisdom from living and learning from the process of life.  Observing the effects of the 'letting go' in a concrete way with dancing and riding.  Twenty years of dancing and 40 years of riding the vessel (my body) has acquired a form.  The physicality of the form requires fitness, coordination, and attention to detail, but the new state of hollowness is allowing me to move through places of disconnect with a new level of softness and acceptance of myself/what is. When I add power in the dancing, it comes from within my own structure, but it doesn't radiate outwardly towards my partner.  He only feels someone who is more responsive and "leadable." The power doesn't feel aggressive because it is coupled with openness.  It isn't mine (ego out), but an offering of enhancing the artistic expression of the form.  I also felt this in the horse who was just sold.  He had power and expression, but the balance allowed there to be freedom and relaxation. The freedom doesn't mean collapsing, because this creates a disconnect and a distraction from the fluidity.  I started to find this in the form of meditation too.  At the end of my six week stay, I began to feel how important the straightness of the spine and support of my structure became in the ability to let go without distraction by the body.  In some ways, the sitting still with this engaged softness is the most difficult and honest:  you are or you are not.

It is a remarkable gift to experience this level of balance, alignment, and freedom in the form.  It could easily become an obsession and attachment no different than any of the others that we take on as humans (smoking, drinking, gambling, eating.... in excess.)  Without going through the process of physically dismantling my life, I am not sure I would have found this new inner, childlike freedom.  We are going to move forward with expressing this form in a dance competition.  It will be another challenge to let go while in a ball gown, high heels, and people watching.   When "i" start to think, it takes me out of the form and the flow.  We are dancing without choreography, so it requires that "i" stay in the present, letting go of the past and remaining receptive and fully present to what is.  No separation from the truth of the moment.