Tuesday, April 2, 2013

There Is No Answer In Being Human

Horse sitting duties while the sun sets and the moon rises
Someone asked how and where I am?  There is no answer in being human.

My reply:

Life is rolling through the rolodex and I am realizing that there is nothing more meaningful to me than the Divine.  It is still odd since in a way, I am even "losing my western world."   It is all more like being at a picnic having fun, but the truth lies underneath. I am going to have to play the game in some aspect and that disturbs me. I know that I can play the game with love, compassion, sincerity, authenticity, and truth, but it isn't enough somehow. There is some form of melancholy even though everything is wonderful.  I know there is nothing to grab onto, look to fill the emptiness, or search for any longer, but my life isn't over. Yes, I have gratitude, but feeling like a foreigner in the land of humans.  The people who really understand are getting smaller in number. Maybe I am hoping to share it in some way, but the connection is so internal. 

Funny today, I have been mentally distracted with the studying and noticed that "my buzz" had toned down.  When I got on my client's horse, it reappeared in such a soft, beautiful way that I could have slipped off the horse and started meditating.

Not sure where to turn at this point other than to be patient, stay open, and see what unfolds.  I don't have many living examples of what I feel drawn towards, so there are a lot of question marks at the moment. 

Finding the edges of some of my dearest friends and it saddens me.  More loss and letting go I suppose. I want someone to run and play with; you are the only one who understands the depth and walks the talk.  I didn't anticipate being alone in the wholeness.  It is a paradox. The tears are running down my face as I sit with all of this--part human emotion and part gratitude for the grace. The depth of this state of being is continuing to unfold. I know now that it has always been present, but the newness is its' palpable presence.  It is as if instead of hearing the voice, the voice is coming from within myself.  I am somehow a spokesperson for It instead of the antennae. 


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