Should I be laughing?

Entrance to the ashram from the garden view

Should I be laughing?  Somehow, I have been on a human path that appears to require hard work, attention to detail, sacrifice, and will--the goal is money, stability, possessions etc.  At some point, I start to question if there is more to life and start looking into the category called the Divine.  The irony is how elusive this subject is; one can read, hope, pray, surrender, desire and more, but there are no "rules."  Science has done a remarkable job of uncovering many aspects of the mystery and possibly even the new "God Particle."

Gurudev confirmed this as the human path, but that no one can really know the Divine.  Have I lost my mind?  Probably--searching for something without concrete answers or concrete steps.  Although, he agreed that effort, renunciation, will, reading, meditating, questioning etc. could be useful, but no guarantee.  He did add that the Divine can help with the purification process to reach a clearer understanding of the One.

None of this is too useful for filling a bank account, putting food on the table, etc. but the pull continues. I did appreciate the fact check and I continue to appreciate his honesty--better no answer than an untruthful answer for the sake of answering.  How to proceed, since acquiring a giant Divine Net isn't going to help?  He did go on to share a story.  Ramakrishna suggested the philosophy of if a sincere seeker pulls a few grains of rice from the grain pile, the Divine will fill in the space with more and then some.

I have been suspicious that I have no tools for this next layer.  It feels like everything that has been skillful in life to date has to be let go of and "possibly" something else that will be skillful in seeking will show up.  Faith, trusting the unknowing, and the All Knowing.  Yet another veil--the control veil--and I am laughing.