What Next?

We are all starring in our personalized docudramas leading to the Divine.  "Don't touch the stove," were the words uttered by my mother as my little hand reached up to touch the burner.  Was she right in not providing any sympathy or compassion for my burn when she had warned me?

Through all of this, my inner longing is not to let go of compassion and Absolute Love/Truth.  The challenge at times is to know that it always exists even when my mental perception is limited.  Our resiliency is remarkable.  Just keep one foot in front of the other, letting go of any design or desire.  Curious what is next?

Usefulness of Being Crushed

The Door

Typically, having "to the root of my being" trampled/pulverized has been useful for personal growth.  Like a dog needing to let go of a bone--what was it that I needed to let go of?  (Thank you Gurudev for the latest assigned reading material. ) I was getting the idea that the Divine is the only place to seek refuge and the continued challenge of sorting through the Earth Drama, but somehow, I thought I might take some refuge in the animal world while working on the divine connection.  I already have lived that path (and it is a comfortable one when the two-leggeds are not involved), so why not show me how unskillful that is by witnessing an elephant ( a massive bone) diagonally restrained by two legs.  Lesson learned--bruised, but up and moving toward the light again. "Let Go!", are those words vibrating in my inner ear and heart.

What I understand now it that life and the body are the obstacle course, the training ground for self-realization, the battle field in the Gita. Pranam to all of it and the Absolute Wisdom.

Is it open or closed?

Am I There Yet?

Does no car, no phone, no refrigerator, and no hair, (Loving the no hair by the way. Cannot see what would motivate me to change back.), count towards liberation?  I had to interject some humor given the state of my heart right now.  After a day of sitting with my questions, no real answers, blank, but not staggering/short of breath/tears. The elephants have been passing by my window all morning and now my compassion is even greater.  Maybe that is the answer...

A Sliver Of Hell: How To Keep The Faith

There was that familiar feeling of wanting to vomit, knees buckling, light headed, inner stillness as the surrounding environment became secondary, difficulty breathing, and a question of how is this part of the Divine's Plan?  It wasn't as violent, but it was a version of the "dog with the broken jaw" reaction.  I had said "bring it on," but I was only going to see the elephants at their house...

Should walking down the street have given me a clue, but I was trying to break the habit of judging unless I know the story directly?  The girl squatting to relieve herself at the top of a mound of debris was familiar, the man picking through the garbage piles while sharing with the pigs was familiar, the crowded street, the street dogs, the cows, the watching eyes, the...were all familiar.

I spotted the large shed with one elephant.  I found the place. The massiveness is always stunning. What I didn't expect to see was the elephant cross-chained-tethered by the right hind leg and the left front leg.  The shed was clean, the roof tall, air was circulating, food piled along the wall, and a kind young boy who enthusiastically offered to take my photo while he held a metal crowbar in his other hand.

Some animals while kept in an unnatural environment begin to weave side-to-side, chew, crib, a long list of displacement activities.  Humans have a list too--twirling a mustache, picking at finger nails, pulling on a strand of hair, clinching teeth and more.  It was remarkable what this elephant had created with its' two free legs and trunk.

(There is a 20 second video clip.  It may take a moment to buffer.)

Yesterday, I had just come to the conclusion that my real soft spot is still non-human animals.  I get how crazy we are, but it is difficult to see it applied to other animals.  I walked through the group of mothers with babies begging, the children under ten who wanted to show me magic, the street vendors, and the other parts of the list.  We have people in America who go into movie theaters and open gunfire on innocent movie viewers or go by a religious place and open fire on people of different faiths, so we have plenty of disturbances too.

As I stopped for a moment to find my physical senses so I could walk home, I reflected. I have gone full circle.  I remember the day in the dressage arena in San Diego that I felt anguish, sadness, and suicidal for the apparent conditions of what living in the world appeared to mean.  Three years later, I have completely turned my life inside out to try and find some thread of how to be, live, and have my heart wide open.  The answer must still lie beyond me.  As witnessed today, I still don't have the personal capacity to remain transparent in the wake of Earth's Insanity Drama.

Three years of searching has shown me an inner place that is beyond what is observed as reality.  I will just have to pull a number from the ticket dispenser, wait, and see what happens.  Faith is still the only possible answer.  "For I cannot see the bigger picture."

All so humbling.  I did offer the boy 100 rupees for petting the elephant,  I offered tears and gratitude to the elephant for enduring this life while I stroked her trunk, and pranam to the Universe for once again offering this much pain to somehow continue to grow and deepen in what doesn't make sense mentally. Yes, there is much, much worse as war rages in Syria, etc. ,but this is a personal sliver of hell for once again continuing to awaken.  The amazing grace of pain.

Sorting

Sorting through the layers of personality, culture, and spirituality.

While standing in the line at the grocery store, a woman cuts in front of me, I watched, sorted through how important or not, curiosity won out, I mentioned that I was waiting in line too, she snapped back that I didn't look like I was, I waited, digested, mentioned that it must be a cultural difference, she said something about Indians not following rules, I said something about standing that close to others felt aggressive, we both paused, it ended with some sort of new information exchange.  Over and over how easy it is for the communication to go astray.

I got to feed my new favorite elephant two bananas again.  The tears and sense of beauty left me staggering.  I hope to go to their house soon.  I found a taxi driver who knows where they live.  I understand now that they are making their way home from the morning of carrying tourists up the hill at Amber Fort.

The new neighbor (yellow dog) was vomiting up peppers, so I will try to share some rice/dahl and see how that goes.

One of the ashram dogs came in to say hello while I was meditating.  He got in trouble, but I was so touched by the animal's kindness.

The past two years of falling off the four-legged track may circle back? The two-legged track is often so convoluted for me even with the new tool kit. For now, it is the Divine.

Finished the Gita, now onto the next interpretation by Yogananda.  It makes so much sense.  Why not make it the hand book for human development on a world level?

You don't see water running down these steps too often.

More Animal Fun

Three babies and mama

Rain jackets for elephants

So Simple

My favorite temple--Vishnu and Krishna

So simple, just my soul and the Divine. The question was answered.  As I went to pranam, it was if an energetic tube was leaving my body to be in the lap of the Divine--nothing else was relevant.  No discourse, mind chatter, or sounds to distract from the clarity of the inner path.

Vishnu

Krishna

In less than 12 hours the answer came.  For some reason my ego had been trying to work the angle that if I couldn't learn to love being in a herd of humans that I wasn't going to make it on the spiritual pathway. Since being alone was always a comfortable place to be, I somehow thought that if I could become compassionate, forgiving, and loving towards humans that my desire to be around them would change. My fear of being around them has definitely changed; my compassion/forgiveness abilities are working in favor of understanding the insanity plan; the sense of love towards certain individuals has deepened, but the overall scheme of intwining myself in a group has not grown.

All of the spiritual texts talk about the individuated soul rediscovering its home in the Divine. I will take this as the true, deeper path and continue to open and allow for its unfolding.  Not going to be sidetracked by the human condition and keeping in mind that cave dwellers still find the Divine.

A large stone dressed up?