The Inner Wordless Realm

As I turned from taking a last look at my horse while he contently munched his dinner, I felt that deep inner sense of peace that I experience while unobscured from the alignment with the Divine.  Was this a sign?  A conformation of the decision to heal the "horse wound" and open to some form of service in the bridge between two and four-leggeds?  Or was it the residual of tonight's ride experienced from the right side of my brain?  With no pressure or expectation to perform or create, I have been sinking into the pure beauty of the shared presence.

As I start to shift internally in preparation for giving an aid, I feel Jaz matching the shift in preparation to respond to the aid.  All of it subtle, internal, and without outward action--a remarkable experience.  Communication from the interior.  I reflected on Gurudev's remarks that the lessons would come from within--without words.  More gratitude for the teachings and preparation for deeper awareness as shared from the wordless realm of the horse.

The Spiral Staircase With No End

How many times will I circle on the spiral staircase?  Preparing to go to South Africa a year and a half ago was one turn.  Renouncing most of what I had to return to India was another turn.  Now preparing to return to India is yet another turn.  Each one requiring self examination, distribution of living/material goods, and a deep breath for the step into the unknown.  I feel poised at the same line-up, but with a different internal sense.

Next week, I head to Southern California to remember what is in my storage unit (all I remember is the horse training equipment) and decide if there is more to purge.  Deciding to keep my horse/truck/trailer has created some pause in the stream of letting go physically, but it will be fun to see what I can continue to live without.

Eye To Eye With A Lint Ball

For whatever remarkable reason it appears that I can hear and reproduce singing sounds without my left side of the brain and with accuracy.   The years of projecting my voice across an arena with the usual outdoor enhancements (birds, wind, etc.) and an above average degree of fitness both appear to be helping too. I was able to receive positive comments about my singing without twitching and retreating, so serious progress is being made in the singing department.  Technique is a start.

The bar goes up, I am asked to include emotion.  That request immediately took me back to that fateful moment when as a child I embellished a phrase of Jingle Bells and got in trouble.  I was eye to eye with a lint ball.  Now what?  I didn't think I could sing and cry simultaneously, but I was encouraged to give it a try. For goodness sake, I had been naked in India, so this should be easier.

It took me to that raw, unveiled state of just being an outline in the vastness of the Divine. Sitting in the ashram had generated this state before.  The outline was created from the action of being something that was doing something--even if it was "being the hollow reed" for the vibration of sound to resonate outwardly. It was a stunning excavation of Absolute Truth.  It was such a remarkable example of how the One is always so near--the Divine Fabric.

The Gap Veil

While living in India, I was often drowning in the gap or the space of consciousness.  Upon returning to California, I have been able to find or recreate the gap, but the challenge has been how to live in the gap. I have been questioning the reality of living in it full time and functioning in society.  Is it possible has been the latest question on the docket.  With some insightful and wise sharing from Bhavani, it appears possible.  My sense is that I am in it until something appears to call or distract me out of it.  I will then evaluate the separation and hopefully skillfully find my way back into the gap.  The "keeping life on hold" while I prepare to go back to India and tentatively plan on another 6 months away has been nagging on my responsibility to engage in life as a "good-respectable" Westerner.  Yet another veil uncovered-the gap veil.

My internal sense of the Divine hasn't missed a beat, but somehow taking action as the form has been holding out from the full commitment to the gap.  A misalignment between the inner and outer perception of being.  The interesting part has been the evolution of living in this new state of being while the obscurations from my true self are continually examined and removed.  A game of hide and seek?  I have been made aware of the underlying fabric of limitlessness where the Divine pervades the whole and thus springs forth in every nuance of being.  It must be a holdout from my ego that is trying to draw me back into my old patterns of doing without being as the underlying state of all action.  

More Teachings

How interesting to sit with a Divine Master who has a Chinese/Tibetan twist.  The universality of Absolute Love, Truth, and Wisdom is evident.  The only differences were the casing, the selection of words, the means of presenting, and other human features.  There were moments of intense shakti that felt like a stirring from the Divine Soup, but not the "to my knees" quality that I feel around Pahari Baba/Gurudev.  Another blessed gift from the Universe and a two-legged who gifted me the event.

Sonoma County, California

Sitting On The Pain That Started The Intense Part of The Journey

I haven't ridden my horse for almost a year, so in fairness to the process, I thought I should examine that piece before shipping him off to Kentucky.  There wasn't fear or anxiety, but there was a numbness around the concept.  At this point in my life, the pain around training horses et al. has been the deepest wound--to the bone so to speak.  In the process of renouncing most attachments, the horses were offered to the surrender pile as well.  But what I am learning is that surrender from a wounded place does not appear to count in the same was as from an accepted/examined vantage point.  Riding my horse was going to be a necessary step if I was to step away in a more holistic manner.  At least that was what was appearing on the internal lint screen.

3 rides: Day 1) I remembered how and so did my horse, Day 2) I revisited the true joy of riding as if I was 10 years old riding around the field with the joy of the partnership and no other rules, and Day 3) I experienced the exquisite sense of timing and feel when two beings have worked together refining communication for 7 years.  Magic!  It was a flash of a life's work.  Honestly, I cannot say that I have the same desire for riding that I once did.  Before, it was my lifeline to living on the planet.  The journey from South Africa to India has slipped a connection to the Divine into the number one slot.  In three days, I felt the wound from riding beginning to repair and close.  Still no idea of what lies ahead, but I do realize that being on a horse feels more natural than being on the ground.

Uncertainty

Serious scratchiness

Is uncertainty the root of fear?  Uncertainty appears to create a hesitation/a moment of dwelling in the unknown.  As we become more skillful in navigating being, cant uncertainty take on shades of allowing if it isn't labeled negatively?  If someone cannot tolerate uncertainty/unknowing than the ego often steps in to seize the moment and drive the bus.  Looking at the layer under fear, since so much of the insanity plan is fueled by fear.  While spending time observing the American political process, I began to wonder if fear was at the root of power and greed?