The Drive To Understand "A"

Signs of Spring

As I continue to read, meditate, converse, contemplate, and experience the waves of Absolute Truth and Love, the desire to understand "A", the root, the essence, the first activation of vibration continues to draw me deeper into the inquiry of self and self in action.  In the history of religion and spirituality, organizations were a later development in the evolution of humanity.  The original teachings and impressions came from individuals.  My tendency has been to be a rebel, but there has always been an inner guideline that has felt more authentic than any outer guidelines, rules, or parameters set by society.  Somewhere in the evolution of self, peer pressure, family history, societal norms, and more began to shape and regulate this process--some aspects were/are useful and some not so much.

Are the ever present outbursts of war, violence, oppression, and subversive intrusions rough openings into anaerobic wounds that need to breath and touch the outer manifestation for consciousness building? There is nothing new in this assaultive nature of humanity. The current newness is the technologic advances of communication and the rapidness/globalization of the spreading of the information.  There is nothing new in the inward path. While sitting on this side of the globe or the other side, both settings for the journey provide plenty of fodder for the lesson plan. The concepts, ideology, and words are one layer, but the inner "knowing" and relationship to the Ultimate One is another.

Perfection of Nature and what appears to be chaos to the uninitiated.

A Glimpse Of Spring

A view from Stephen's (Narayana Baba's) porch in Graton, California

A warm afternoon giving us the reminder of Spring is on the way.

At this point, I feel like the Divine has three communication/teaching fields: dreams in sleep, wake state, and meditation.  I am now regularly experiencing a new twist on this, it is as if the Divine Committee is taking slivers of one field and overlapping them or introducing them into one of the other fields.  It makes me giggle. I don't usually have my body transformed into an energetic wave frequency while talking to a friend or merge into the deepest part of my heart sense while reading an email, or...  Why not?  Anything is possible, so now the path appears to be experiencing the latest mystical teachings in the day-to-day wake state.  These combinations have been appearing steadily during the past two years while living in the direct connection to the ashram, but not as much while living in the West.  At this point, I am surrendered to it all and it is quite endearing to have such graphic touchstones to the Divine while distracted with the Earth Play.  It is like a delivery of flowers or a an unexpected note from a lover appearing without a special occasion--Grace.

The alignment with my horse is almost startling as we start back to the horse and rider relationship.  My sense is that I will be helping him to a new family, but in the meantime, the purity, ease, and inner conversation are a beautiful reminder of where I started at the age of four and why the inner teachings from Pahari Baba and Gurudev have often been so seamless to absorb.  The bliss was highlighted internally as my outer form was cantering around the arena. Thank you to the animal kingdom once again.

The clarity from how much can be communicated without words is yet another gift. As two-leggeds, we are often too cluttered or busy in our minds to even receive it if it is available.  Offering the horse in New Hampshire this state of listening was remarkable in its transformational qualities. Maybe this will be part of the new teachings I can share with riders, so they uncover a less cluttered partnership.  It has taken the two year break to dislodge much of the history I carried from the ineffective teachings as well.  Having the life ferris wheel stop at the horse world once again has been an unexpected but welcomed starting point.

Excited about the personal training program and digging into Selfseeds.  Immersed in details of the body and how to work with human wellness/wholeness.  75% of Americans appear to exercise less than 30 minutes a day.  An almost unfathomable concept to me, since I enjoy exercising so much.

I made an appointment with one of the Swamis at the Ramakrishna Temple in San Francisco to learn about the application of "The Principles" in America and the women's order.  Part of my self imposed homework while taking care of commitments and dissolving more of the physical anchors in California.  Everyone is asking when I will go back to India; there appears to be a consensus of when and not if.  In my heart, the countdown is ticking quietly in the background. 

The Difference Of A Plane Ride

Portsmouth, New Hampshire

Santa Rosa, California

A different walk: from the house to my horse.

Unfinished Business

My favorite photo and center altar piece for life as I know it today.

If you look at the first post on the blog, it was about the connection with horses.  The connection with horses which then led me to the connection with humans has been the theme of my life. The deepest and biggest question has been what will happen in "The Walk" through the horse world after two years of walking through fire.  Maybe it won't need to be addressed after what I witnessed while living in India?  Spiral staircase 101:  not one stone is ever left unexamined, reexamined, and then reexamined again--over and over until it becomes only an observation and not a charged reaction.  At least this is how my path is unfolding.  The three photo test is still my benchmark.  

Simple homework assignment, find a safe, professional place to house a horse for a month or two.  This meant going to examine the horse world.  Basically, I still feel wide open from sitting at Gurudev and the Divine Genealogy's feet.  Not much in my 'Western Society existence' requires switching out of ashram mode to street mode--and my desire at this point is to only switch as a last ditch effort.  Moving humans onto the shelf with animals and nature has supported this state of being--or recognizing that all is One.  

Quite innocently and without thoughts of the past deep pain that drove me to the inner path, I set off on my homework assignment to evaluate 5 facilities.  Dizziness, nausea, and deep despair were not what I expected to find.  The history is so deep and I had probably stuffed quite a bit of it into the deep recesses of my cellular existence, so should I be surprised that I felt like vomiting and started to cough of chunks of material from deep within.  It had started in New Hampshire, but now it was tipped over the edge.  I came face to face with one of the darkest violators of the horse's well being, but there was no reaction--only understanding and compassion for all the different stages we inhabit on the path.  My physiological reaction felt like I needed to purge and vomit until I turned inside out and something died--and I was okay with that being me.  In India, there were times I felt like I would energetically die but from an outward to inward alignment--into the fire with only ashes remaining.  This time, it was as if the entire inner lining needed to be shifted--the fabric or viewpoint from which I have lived for the past 48 years.  Even the ashes needed to be cremated.  

 The Divine Carwash was in overdrive, but from the past two years of energetic scrubbing and washing  there was nothing to do but to surrender. It was a spot on the fabric that I had touched, but not directly addressed in the past two years, so why not start there?  My soul must be on overdrive and running up the spiral staircase.  Is that it now?  Nothing left to purge?  I have had the grace to touch all of the dark points from the past and to sense where I am in relationship to them.  Is there a better word than forgiveness?  Is it the limits of words that there is no word that describes the level of acceptance one wants to experience life after soaking in the vibration of a living Master?  Forgiveness now has a tinge of ego attached to it, but that could be that humans created words and while one lives in a body, the ego will be part of the design.  

Walking into the fire becomes one's specialty when deepening into the purification process.  A massive shift that I recognize this time while stepping away from the direct touchstone of the ashram is that the inner state of self (or Self?) is peaceful and the outer self is in action as the doer.  The purification is the continued dismantling of veils that separated one from the One.  There is no desire to self medicate even with the material abundance, because nothing remotely compares to the deepening into the self as Source.  What a remarkable realization.

This body will continue to do something and the development of Selfseeds is really unfolding daily.  The personal training program is exactly what I needed to do as a next step to understand the modern physiological/psychological training of the human.  Selfseeds will be the introductory garden for helping people discover and grow their "self" seeds.   It is apparent that it will be a clarification and education of "A" as the first step and baseline from where each person will take action from.  The baseline will involve the inner and the outer awareness with opportunities to develop both.  I have always loved the basics and never tire from them, since they are the purist manifestation of whatever is pursued and the touchstone to the inner resonance from which each grows.  

I did promise the Universe that I would stay in service to the horse world if that was part of the path, so this first step of helping a student who is motivated by pure connection and not ego achievements while riding a well trained horse will be my bubble-wrapped reentry into the professional horse community.  And maybe this will be a new start or maybe this will be the wrap up?

I changed my screen saver to the above photo for both my laptop and my phone.  There is nothing else now.  Thank you and pranam.  Somehow, I have now been untethered from my Western point of birth. "Let Go!" has been the advice and the practice.  The first year in India of being dunked in the depth of Absolute Truth and Absolute Love was the new beginning:  the energetic rewiring, the heart as the lamp light for living, and the undeniable presence of the Divine.  Year two felt like a deeper more refined version of year one, but now the Divine Intelligence has been threaded into the package, so words and communication can be included in my articulation of the path.  Year three?  How to be in service to it all?

Horse Altar

Poster

Drawing by Andrea Parrie

Dillon  drawing by Andrea Parrie

Galahad  drawing by Andrea Parrie

Drawing by Portuguese artist

Some of my favorite horse pictures.  These have been my horse altar before going to India.  I still remember how to ride a horse.  The connection is so deep and so natural.  By the second day, we felt as one.  The alignment created from clear communication and a willingness to connect is so simple with horses.  Many aspects of the trip were repairing old homework assignments, looking at the old path with fresh eyes, and feeling the flow of grace from the new.  The first five hours on the flight home passed very quickly as I set in the presence of it all.   The uncontrollable tears and awareness of divine intelligence permeated the air space.

Next?  Riding is flowing back into my life and I promised the Universe that I would act in alignment with what is presented.

Winter Wonderland

16 degrees and wind chill factor of minus two:  winter wonderland experience in Hampton Falls, New Hampshire. Riding horse indoors.

(short video clip 15 seconds)

The white down the center line is snow coming in through the seam in the roof.

The Heart/Soul Speaks On Valentine's Day

The tulip bulbs from Holland made it to my mother along with a visit.  She enjoyed the pictures from India, but was horrified by my very short hair.  Housesitting is coming to a close.  Intensely reading and studying the material for becoming a personal fitness instructor.  Circling back to my college education. Planning to work with a fitness instructor who has trained in this system and I will be the project.  Apple technology all appears to be sorted out: I can use my phone as a hotspot for my laptop connection to the internet.  Heading to New Hampshire to look at a horse for a client.  COLD and two feet of snow, but hoping the horse makes sense for a perfect match.

Constant gratitude while reflecting on what I have learned during the past two years.  The body still takes action, but the inner awareness is profoundly different.  The inner contract is bobbing gently in a still ocean while the outer contract is hang-ten on mammoth waves.  Starting at "my end point" has been useful.  The usual insanity around horse sales and life is unfolding and I am amused, smiling, and giggling.  I can sense where the ego would have deliberated and talked me into a deeper point of disturbance.  Ethical decisions are not decisions but actions taken in alignment to this new sense of Absolute Truth.  The choices are observed, but the path is a lot straighter even while others are moving in an oblique way.  The "right" choice isn't about Sue's choice, but what is the direction for the collective involved.  There is A LOT less internal scratchiness since my ego's attachment isn't directing the choices.  All of this isn't unfamiliar, but it is clearer where the "right action" is coming from and to trust it.  Before, there was more effort.  The difference is having better techniques/tools/inner guidance.

Another big shift is "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him/her drink." In making business, personal, practical, emotional, spiritual, etc. decisions they often involve others.  The limit is each persons willingness to communicate what is going on exteriorly/interiorly. I can stand by the horse's head and mentally coax the horse, scoop a handful of water and touch it to the horse's mouth, etc. but it can only be the horse that takes action.  I notice more clearly that often with communication the "end" is left as a void.  The period doesn't come because the sun has set, the calendar shows it is Sunday, or I die, but as a marker for transition. The punctuation is a resting point, deep breath, inner pause, relaxation, point of collection, interiorization, reflection, and a chance to be in the gap for allowing what is.  Is this where communication can begin to erode?  The ego can start to create its own story in the uncertainty of unfinished business, so by consciously punctuating communication is a more peaceful state encouraged?

When Gurudev had finished answering a question by knowing it had settled beyond my brain, but in my heart, it always felt like a very, very deep drink at a very, very pure trough.  Every part of my being was satiated by wisdom.  He always offered a meaningful commentary addressing the question--even if it was hours or a day later; it always appeared. No one in a body probably has his capacity, but I want to try and live with this intention in every point of contact.  Is it for Sue?  Maybe at this beginning stage, but my soul/heart is beckoning me to keep drinking and not become separated from the Source.  The realization of self as Source and the interaction with others as Source is my heart's desire and reflection on this Valentine's Day.

The fear and uncertainty of humans has been transformed enough to uncover these connections. Part of my homework is to live it in all the different forms of communication--no different than the street life and the ashram life.  Again, the outward appearance may be unrecognizable, but the interior landscape knows.   My heart and soul not only wants to drink, but to drown in this state. It is reaching some new state of urgency marked undeniable.  The irony has been feeling like a living fire, but it is somehow unquenchable. These small realizations, shifts, and practices are somehow showing me that fire and water can and do mix.   It is a state of awareness that provides for a more skillful passage through the day.  The seeming lack of action by others is to not find fault or create judgement, but to inspire me to dig deeper and stay focused on my own homework list.

What a privilege to sit with an oozing heart in the quiet of a warm house, in a safe neighborhood, with my stomach full, no urgent requirements, reflecting on the global community that I now know personally and the one's who are yet to be known--thank you and pranam.

The feeling of changing energetics and morphology continues.  Only now it appears during my daily process instead of just while meditating.  It is taking on the action of a period--giggle.

Panoramic Views

Way to cool with new panoramic photos.  The days have been stunningly beautiful too!

Do you know you have hit "civilization" when every dog is on a leash and there are eco-friendly disposable bags for picking up doggie droppings if your dog poops while walking.

Meditated in the church for a bit.  Experienced a very unpleasant feeling in my chest.  Hmmm... A very different texture than my normal morning meditation.  All learning.

What Do I Miss?

New Photo Options

Panoramic shot of Benicia Harbor

Panoramic variations

New feature to play with--panoramic shots on the iPhone 5g which also allows for very narrow ones too.  What a gorgeous day and really enjoyed meditating by the water.

Variations in architecture--Benicia

Change

The photo doesn't do justice to the size of this Apple Store--knock out the inner walls in the ashram and it is about the same size.

Never doubt how much your life can change in one week.  For now, the change is bountiful in the material field. Back to operating a washer/dryer, dishwasher, remotes for the satellite/tv, watching the robot vacuum the floor, microwave, driving, and more.  Crazy amounts of material abundance.

Reading a book about the history of India, the incredible invasion/abuse it has received at the hands of greed in the past combined with a more modern path of the Sannyasi, Swami Chinmayananda  Wow, India has suffered a lot of rape as a culture.  Interesting to take my latest obsession with women's safety, rights, and respect and apply it to an entire country/culture. Coming from a young country whose notable societal tragedies have been linked to the sacrifice of the American Indian (an ugly section of historical reality), abolishment of slavery, and the likes of internal differences--not so much a home invasion, can leave one naive about the bigger effects of history.  Even with living abroad in European countries, walking by bullet riddled building, visiting sites of historical violence, and the melting pot that is intwined in most countries now, it is still a very different dose of reality to have it all take place in your home backyard.

Once again, it is easy to judge the "disarray."  Getting to a place of comfort in my two current homes, opened me to looking deeper for the truth of India.  Gurudev had me read a recently published book about the ethics/morality of India's heritage and now to read another is concretizing the message of humanities evolution and the cycle over and over and over of man's desire for wealth.  I can better appreciate Ramakrishna's teaching around lust and greed.

Because of not ever feeling connected with the human tribe, I haven't looked at these local and global aspects of being in the Earth School until the past few years.  It has been an amazing education and as I sat to meditate today, my new homework assignment came into focus.  I notice that I usually spend a section of time with an awareness of a topic coming into focus.  The reading or a life event will help it to continue to evolve and then the voice clarifies it.   I have been asking, "What next?"  Maybe this is like offering a sugar cube to a horse when it is on track, but the blissful energetic state* is highlighted when I align to the clarified homework assignment--the Divine's feedback loop?

Examining the renunciation aspect constantly even while getting a new phone today.  Do I need it and why?  Updating my iPhone last night caused it to melt down, so there wasn't an option for getting something.  Sometimes the older phones cannot handle the updates, so I am now at the advanced level of technology with the 5g iPhone--it is so light that it almost makes me nervous that I don't have the phone in my carrying pouch.  It is interesting to learn about the actual technology and how the infrastructure for the internet is growing and how this phone will grow with even the new system beyond the 4g.  Another amazing feature is that I can use my phone like a hotspot or plug-in like I had in India.  No need to update my computer until the next system comes out, so that was good news.

Waiting for the book that goes with the online training for becoming a personal fitness trainer.  The thumbs-up for this next step of working with humans one-on-one without the protection of a horse came yesterday in my meditation.  The dancing has been a good preparation for this new direction.  I did look into working part-time at the Apple store which could be fun.  Between the horses, the fitness training, and staying with single-pointed focus on the spirituality practice--everything is full already.

*Driving a car is possible while experiencing intense inner joy.   Another point of integration?  Ladling the contents back and forth as I did in India: the walk and the ashram.

Fire by Night: Night Walk

Fire by Night: Night Walk

Not a creature was stirring... but me.